A 1189 Day Journey Through the Bible

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. We've all heard about the burning bush, lets dig in!  For a short chapter, there is SO MUCH wisdom here.  DO NOT MISS IT. Exodus 3: Moses is tending to a flock and sees a bush on fire that isn't burning up.  Out of obvious curiosity, he goes in for a closer look. God calls to Moses from within the bush, twice shouting his name. Moses says, "here I am." God tells Moses not to come any closer and to take off his sandals because the ground is holy.  God gives an introduction, telling Moses, "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob." Moses hid his face because he was afraid to look at God.  Hmm. God is concerned about the suffering of the Israelites in Egypt and tells this to Moses.  God has come down to rescue them and bring them up to their homeland.  God can hear their cries and see how they are oppressed.  But God isn't gonna do it, God is tell...

I am writing from my living room in Seattle, WA. MOSES BOUT TO STEP ON THE SCENE. Exodus 2: So a Levite dude married a Levite woman (ya know, keep it in the family) and they had a baby.  The mother tried to hide him, but could only hide him for so long so put him in a basket by the Nile.  Pharaoh's daughter ended up finding him and raising him and called him Moses. Moses sounds like the word "draw out" in Hebrew, as she drew him out of the water. Moses grew up, saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew (remember that he's a Hebrew) and killed the Egyptian.  Calm down Moses. The next day he sees two Hebrews fighting each other.  He asked one why he was fighting the other one. Verse 14 continues:   The man said, “Who made you ruler and judge over us?  Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?” Then Moses was afraid and thought, “What I did must have become known.” Its interesting that Moses is afraid here. Pharaoh heard about this an...

I am writing from my hotel room in Portland, OR. A NEW BOOK!!! Its been a long journey through Genesis, but we made it. Exodus 1: We open with a reminder of who Israel's (Jacob's) sons are, and how he has seventy total descendants.  All of Joseph's generation died, but because they made so many babies, the land was full of Israelites.  Israelite just meaning someone who descended from Israel. A new king who didn't care about Joseph was worried about the Israelites because there was too many of them.  He feared they would grow too numerous and if war happened, they would side with his enemies.  Sounds familiar, doesn't it? They enslaved the Israelites; but the more they were oppressed, the more they multiplied and spread.  Because of this, the Egyptians weren't too fond of the Israelites; so the Egyptians worked them hard. The king of Egypt told the two Hebrew midwives to kill the boys of Hebrew women when they were born, but the midwives feared God...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 50: We open with Joseph falling onto his dad and weeping.  Israel (Jacob) was embalmed, which for an unknown reason took forty days.  In 2018, a typical embalming takes 45 minutes.  Hmm.  Anyway.  The Egyptians mourned him for 70 days. Joseph reminds Pharaoh's court that he needs to bury his pops up in Canaan.  A bunch of people showed up.  There was some lamenting and whatnot, and then Jacob (Israel) was buried. Joseph's brothers are worried that he will pay them back for all the wrongdoings, so they ask forgiveness.  Joseph tells them not to be afraid, and reassures them he will provide for them. Joseph hung out in Egypt until the ripe old age of 110.  As he's dying, he tells his brothers that God will hook them up.  Joseph dies at 110.  They embalmed him and put him in a coffin in Egypt. This chapter is pretty short.  Just like that, Jacob (Israel) and Joseph are ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. The penultimate chapter of Genesis!  Penultimate.  What a great word. Genesis 49: Jacob is about to bless his sons and drop some fortune telling.   Reuben is strong but defiled Jacob’s bed and couch, so he won’t excel anymore.  What did he do?? Since Simeon and Levi killed people, so their anger is cursed and they are scattered in Jacob and Israel.  Are Jacob and Israel places now? Judah will be praised.  He’s like a lion too.   Also he will wash his clothes in wine and have teeth whiter than milk. Zebulun will live by the sea. Issachar is gonna do some forced labor. Dan is gonna provide justice. Gad will be attacked by some raiders, but he will also attack their heels.  I guess these raiders are like Achilles.  Asher is gonna be a chef or something. Naphtali is a “doe set free that bears beautiful fawns.”  What on earth does this mean?  Naphtali is definitely a dude. Joseph is a ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. I noticed I have a consistent reader of this blog in Russia.  Спасибо за чтение (: Genesis 48: An unknown amount of time passes and Joseph is told that his father (Israel/Jacob) is ill.  Jacob tells Joseph that God appeared to him in Luz (which is Bethel, in Canaan) and blessed him and said he have many descendants and that land will be for them. Jacob says that Joseph's two sons born to him in Egypt (Ephraim and Manasseh) will be his, but any children after those two will belong to Joseph.  Well that is a bit odd.  He said Rachel died in Canaan and she was buried near Bethlehem. Israel (Jacob) blesses the sons of Joseph, but he extra blesses Ephraim and Manasseh.  They are both gonna have a bunch of nations and become great, though Ephraim (the younger brother) is gonna be greater.  Interesting. This all started with God giving preferential treatment for seemingly no reason.  Its bizarre. Israel...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 47: Joseph tells Pharaoh that his family has arrived and are in Goshen (which is in Egypt).  Pharaoh asks the brothers what they do for work, and they tell him that they are shepherds.  They ask Pharaoh to live there in Goshen for awhile since the famine is real bad in Canaan. Pharaoh says they can live there and tells Joseph to put them in charge of his flock. Pharaoh meets Jacob and asks him how old he is.  Israel (Jacob) says 130, which probably isn't true lol.  All you need to know is that he's old.  Jacob blesses Pharaoh, though we are not told was this means. Interesting segue here: "Joseph also provided his father and his brothers and all his father’s household with food, according to the number of their children.   There was no food, however, in the whole region because the famine was severe; both Egypt and Canaan wasted away because of the famine." So was there food or not? I guess ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 46: I really wish this author would decide whether to use the name "Israel" or "Jacob" for Joseph's father.  Its really confusing. Israel (Jacob) heads off for Egypt, and when he gets to Beersheba, he offered up some sacrifices to God, like ya do.  God speaks to him in a vision later that night and tells him not to be afraid going to Egypt.  God goes on to say, "I will make you into a great nation there."  And this is interesting.  Make someone into a nation?  The term "nation" is a bit curious.  Today, a nation is a country.  Then, not so much.  The Hebrew word for nation here is "gowy" and sounds like like (GOI), rhymes with boy.  It usually means people, or a group of non-Hebrew people (Gentiles), or descendants of Abraham, or just being of Israel (which would be more specific descendants of Abraham); and it can figuratively mean a swarm of locusts or other animals.  Anyway,...

I am writing from my hotel room in Salt Lake City, UT. After today, only five chapters left in Genesis! Genesis 45: FINALLY Joseph about to reveal his secret identity.  He makes all his attendants leave but weeps so loudly that everyone can hear.  So he tells his brothers who he is.  They are obviously shocked.  Joseph tells them not to be mad at themselves for selling him into slavery there, that in fact he's in charge and was put there by God to save lives. You ever wonder if you're in a shit situation because you're supposed to help someone else? How different would your life look if you lived like that was true? Digressing. Joseph tells them that he's gonna hook them up with some land and some grub, and tells them to go tell their pops right away.  So all the brothers cried and hugged each other.  Man the look on Israel's face when he finds out Joseph ain't dead!  I'm excited for that one. Pharaoh catches word and he's on team Josep...

I am writing from my hotel room in Salt Lake City, UT. Genesis 44: Joseph tells his steward to fill everyone's luggage with as much food as they can carry, as well as some silver.  He has his cup put in the youngest one's bag (Benjamin).  Joseph still has yet to reveal his identity. The next morning, Joseph tells his steward to go after the men and shame them for taking the cup.  What??  So the steward accuses them of stealing (HE PUT THE CUP IN THERE), and they are a bit defensive.  They say that if one of them has the cup, he will die and the rest will become slaves.  But then he says that the one who has it will be a slave and then the rest can go.  Well which one is it? 'If any of your servants  is found to have it, he will die;  and the rest of us will become my lord’s slaves. ”   “Very well, then,” he said, “let it be as you say. Whoever is found to have it  will become my slave;  the rest of you will be free fro...

I am writing from 12F on my flight from Seattle to Salt Lake City. Genesis 43: The famine game is still real strong.  They ate everything and their dad said to go back and buy more food.   Judah said the only way they can go back is if they bring their brother, otherwise no way. So Israel (the artist formerly known as Jacob) wonders why this man (Joseph) asked about their family blah blah.  Judah insists that he bring his youngest brother (Benjamin) so their family doesn’t starve.  Israel tells him to bring some gifts too. They took the first flight down to Egypt and as soon as Joseph saw Benjamin, he called for the slaughter of an animal so they could have some fresh food. These dudes were scared and thought they were gonna be turned into slaves. They say they wanna buy some food with silver and claim they don’t know who put the extra silver in there.  Joseph says that was God that hooked them up with that shiny cheddar.  Joseph gets the gifts and asks the...

I am writing from my living room in Seattle, WA. Genesis 42: We kick this one off with Jacob realizing that there's grain in Israel, so he tells his sons to go down there and buy some so they won't die.  A bunch of Joseph's brothers head down there, but Benjamin stays behind because Jacob didn't want to be compromised if the shit hits the fan.  BTW, there was famine in Canaan, where they were. Joseph is the person who sells the grain, notices his brothers when they get there, but they don't recognize him (for an unknown reason). He recalls his dreams and accuses them of being spies to figure out where the land is unprotected.  They insist this is not the case and that they only want to buy food, but Joseph again accuses them of being spies.  They tell him that there are twelve sons, ten there, one with their dad, and one (Joseph) who is "no more." In order to test them (not sure why, he knows who they are), he says they can't leave until thei...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 41: Two years pass and Pharaoh has a dream; and its a weird one.  Seven fat cows come out of the Nile, then seven ugly cows come out of the Nile.  The ugly cows ate the fat cows, then Pharaoh wakes up.  Cool. He has another dream about seven heads of healthy grain being swallowed by seven heads of thin and weak grain. Obviously disturbed when he wakes up, he sends for the magicians and wise men of Egypt.  Yes, magicians.  He told them about his dreams but no one could interpret them. The cupbearer tells Pharaoh how Joseph was able to interpret his dream when he was in prison, so Pharaoh sends for Joseph from the dungeon.  He asks Joseph to interpret his dream and Joseph says he can't do it, but that God will give Pharaoh the answer. Pharaoh retells Joseph the two dreams mentioned above.  Joseph says the dreams are the same and that God has revealed to Pharaoh what is going to be done.  ...

I am writing from my living room in Seattle, WA. Genesis 40: A bit of time goes by.  So the cupbearer (person who serves wine) and the baker have somehow pissed of Pharaoh, so he tosses them in jail with Joseph.  Obviously they were assigned to Joseph since the Lord likes Joseph little more than everyone else (remember this from chapter 29). After they had been there for awhile, both the cupbearer and the baker each had a meaningful dream. Joseph noticed they were sad the next day.  This was because they had no one to interpret their dreams.  Bummer.  Since Joseph has the inside scoop on God, he asks about the dreams. Basically the cupbearer had a dream about squeezing grape juice into Pharaoh's cup.  I was expecting something exciting.  Joseph tells him that he will be released in three days, restored to his old position as cupbearer, and to be sure to tell Pharaoh about how cool Joseph is, so he can get out. The baker has a dream where he m...

I am writing from my hotel room in Boise, ID. And I've been reading and writing about the Bible for 39 days in a row, who would've thought!? Genesis 39: Joseph had been taken down to Egypt since he was purchased by one of Pharaoh's cronies (Potiphar). The Lord liked Joseph, Potiphar saw this so was nice to him, then the Lord hooked them both up with all the newest furnishings from Ikea. Because Joseph is a stud, Potiphar's wife was checking him out and tried to get him in bed.  Damn, girl!  He refused these advances.  One day she catches him by the cloak and he runs away, while she has cloak in hand.  She yells to the other servants and says that he is trying to get in bed with her.  What a liar, man.  She tells Potiphar this bullshit story and he believes her, and throws Joseph in prison.  I feel bad for Joseph, this sucks. Luckily, the prison guard really liked Joseph because the Lord likes Joseph.  Good to have the Lord on your side...

I am writing from my hotel room in Boise, ID. Genesis 38: Judah meets a daughter to a Canaanite man, marries her, and has some kids.  He gets a wife (Tamar) for his firstborn son Er, but Er was a bad dude (for an unnamed reason) so the Lord killed him lol. So Judah tell his other son (Onan) to get Er's wife pregnant and raise up the kid on behalf of Er.  Onan has sex with her but pulls out so she doesn't get pregnant.  Well that's just not cool so the Lord killed him too hahaha.  Y'all reading this?? Judah tells Tamar to live as a widow with her dad, so she does. Judah's wife dies and then he heads up to Timnah to some kind of sheep shearing festival. Tamar disguised herself to try and get with Judah's youngest son (Shelah), now that he is grown up.  Judah doesn't recognize her, thinks she's a prostitute, and tries to hook up with her.  Because ya know, prostitution was fine and dandy.  He offers her a few items in exchange for sex, and she...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 37: So Jacob lived in Canaan and loved Joseph more than any of his other sons.  Ya can't pick favorites!  Because of this, his brothers hated him.  Go figure. Joseph has a dream about how his sheaf rose and stood upright, and all their sheaves bowed down to his; and wouldn't you know, they hated him more lol. He has another dream and tells them about it.  This time the sun and moon and eleven stars are bowing down to him this time. So Isaac (Jacob) sends Joseph to check on his brothers, who were grazing near Shechem.  They weren't there but some dudes told him where they were.  He found them near Dothan, they saw him coming, and then plotted to kill him.  He's not so popular. They call him a dreamer and want to throw him into a cistern (a tank for storing water) and say that a ferocious animal devoured him.  Clever. Reuben tries to talk some sense into them, urging the brothers not to...

I am writing from my hotel room in Koloa, HI; on the island of Kauai. Genesis 36: This is a bunch of lineage which we may reference back to later. To summarize:  Esau had a big ass family, moved far away from Jacob, and they ruled in Edom.

I am writing from my hotel room in Koloa, HI; on the island of Kauai. Genesis 35: We open with God telling Jacob to return to Bethel; then also telling him in third person to build an altar to God. Jacob tells his household to get rid of all their foreign gods they have with them.  What does this mean?  Are the following other gods?  Or is it like the previous chapter where a 'god' appeared to be something they owned?  Or do this means that other gods exist, but only one should be followed?  This is interesting and unclear. So they gave away their foreign gods (whatever this means) and the rings in their ears, and Jacob buried them.  And then all the towns they went to were basically afraid of them.  Jacob and all of his clan came to Bethel.  Deborah (Rebekah's nurse) dies and we are reminded that God has renamed Jacob, and he is now Israel. God does this standard ancient blessing where many nations will come from Jacob (Israel) and blah...

I am writing from my hotel room in Koloa, HI; on the island of Kauai. Genesis 34: This story takes an interesting turn. So Dinah (Jacob's daughter with Leah) goes out to visit the ladies of the land.  Shechem, some asshole, sees her and rapes her.  We are told that his heart was drawn to her, he loved her, and spoke tenderly to her.  Well then why did you rape her, you bag of shit?  He tells his dad that he wants her to be his wife.  Ya know, biblical marriage. Jacob and his sons hear about this and are obviously not happy; but not for why you think.  They were upset because she had been defiled.  Now that she is no longer a virgin, her property value has been drastically reduced.  Women need to stay virgins so you can get them for max value.  Ya know, biblical marriage. My intent here is not to insult the Bible; but it makes me sick when people beat the drum of 'biblical marriage' as a defense for their positions of oppression. ...

I am writing from my hotel room in Koloa, HI; on the island of Kauai. Genesis 33: Jacob sees Esau coming with his four hundred men; uh oh.  Jacob separates his fleet into a few groups, but Esau actually embraces Jacob.  They hug each other and cry together. Esau wonders who Jacob's crew is, everyone is explained and bends the knee.  Esau asks about the flocks and Jacob says they are a gift for Esau.  Jacob insists that Esau accepts the gift. And then he gets paid.  This chapter is short.

I am writing from my hotel room in Koloa, HI; on the island of Kauai. Genesis 32: THE SHOWDOWN. Jacob sends his messengers to Esau, letting him know he brought livestock and slaves, and asking for favor.  Many years have passed since Jacob fled, so maybe Esau doesn’t want to kill him anymore?  We are about to find out! The messengers return to tell Jacob that Esau is on his way, with four hundred men in tow. Jacob is scared so he splits his crew in two.  If one gets ambushed, the other can bolt. Jacob reminds himself that God told him to go to the land of his ancestors, and asks for protection. Jacob stays the night and gets a gift ready for Esau, basically just a shit load of animals. He tells the servants to go ahead of him and when confronted by Esau, to say that they are gifts from Jacob and that Jacob will be behind them.  He thinks to himself that the gifts will pacify Esau so that Esau will receive Jacob.  Will it work? ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 31: Laban's sons are talking crap on Jacob, he hears about it and Laban ain't cool anymore.  I didn't think he ever was?  The Lord tells Jacob to go back to his homeland, and Jacob tells his wives that their dad has been dumping on him with unfair wages. Jacob talk about a dream he had about goats and speckles and how God is hooking him up with all the best stuff, and how God has told him to go back to his native land. The ladies ask about inheritance and tell Jacob to do whatever God is telling him.  So Jacob and the wives and all the livestock and whatever else they had head back to Isaac in Canaan. Jacob decides to leave without telling Laban, and Rachel decides to steal her father's "household gods."  It seems to be thought that these were some type of idols, that is, something he probably liked a little too much.  We are not told what these "gods" are though. It takes three days for L...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 30: So Rachel ain't happy yo; as you could imagine.  She ain't having any kids (and that is how you measure a woman's value), but sis is. She gets all mad and tells Jacob to give her children or she will die.  Jacob gets a bit defensive.  Rachel presents a servant for Jacob that he can impregnate on her behalf.  (not really the same thing ya know, but I guess this can fly) This servant (Bilhah) gets pregnant (and gets to be a wife in the process -- does 'wife' even mean anything??) and gives birth to a son.  Rachel is legit happy about this.  Imagine this happening in modern times lol. So this new dude is named Dan. This servant is fertile yo, and blasts out another one; this dude is Zapthali.  Rachel is going on about how she had a struggle with her sister, and actually Zaphtahil means 'my struggle.' This reminds me of Pulp Fiction.  Bruce Willis' character says, "I'm an American, ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 29: Jacob continues on his journey.  Remember that because he deceived his dad and crapped on Esau, he's on the run.  He finds some shepherds from Harran and asks if they know Nahor's grandson (Laban) and if he's doing well. There's some sheep and they get watered, doesn't sound important. Jacob meets Laban's daughter Rachel and kisses her.  This dude moves fast.  After he kissed her he weeped aloud.  Don't try this at home. Jacob told Rachel that they were related and she got super excited and told her pops (Laban). Laban is thrilled and we are reminded that Jacob is Laban's nephew, which means Jacob and Rachel are first cousins. Jacobs hangs out for a month and Laban tries to pay Jacob for his work.  We are not told what kind of work Jacob is doing for Laban.  Laban had two daughters, Leah and Rachel.  We are told that Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful; but Leah had weak ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. EVERYBODY!  ALMOST A MONTH! Genesis 28: So Isaac blesses Jacob and reminds him not to marry a Canaanite woman.  Damn!  What did them Canaanite women do??  Isaac tells him to go and take a wife from his mom's brother's kids (his cousins).  Gotta keep that line going ya know? I know this seems gross, but incest was TOTALLY in.  This is no disrespect to the Bible, this is what is happening.  Read these pages.  Incest is running wild. Blah blah and some more blessings. Esau learned about this condemnation against Canaanite women, so he married some other chick.  We are told this was in addition to the wives he already had.  REMEMBER.  I am not disrespecting the Bible by saying these people were incest and had multiple wives.  IT IS WRITTEN.  READ IT. Jacobs goes to sleep and uses a stone as a pillow.  That sucks.  He has a dream about a stairw...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 27: Isaac is old now.  He wants Esau to go hunting for him and make his last meal, then Isaac will give him his blessing before he dies.  Rebekah overhears this and tells Jacob to get some goats for the same reason.  This should be interesting. Jacob seems hesitant and concerned that Isaac will find out that he's giving him the food instead of Esau.  Even though Isaac is blind, Esau is hairy and Jacob has smooth skin; so Isaac would know if it was Jacob if he touches him.  Furthermore, this could bring a curse instead of a blessing. Rebekah insists and says that she will shoulder the curse.  So Jacob dresses up in Esau's clothes, covers up his smooth skin, and brings some tasty food to Isaac.  Isaac asks who is bringing him food, so Jacob lies and says he's Esau.  Isaac insists he comes closer so he can touch him, and becomes skeptical because he's anticipating those hairy Esau hands. ...

I am writing from the guest bedroom at Frank and Andrea’s house in Poulsbo, WA after celebrating an evening of Frank’s birthday with margaritas and wonderful food, and watching Anthony Bourdain’s special on West Virginia, which I highly recommend. Genesis 26: There’s a big famine and Isaac consults Abimelek.  The Lord reminds Abraham not to go down to Egypt, to hang out where’s he’s at and he will be blessed.  Offspring are such a big deal during this time. Some people ask Isaac if Rebekah is his wife and he says she’s his sister (like father like son), because he’s afraid they’ll kill him because she’s a hottie.  After they’d been there for awhile, Abimelek spots Isaac putting the moves on Rebekah, and wonders why Isaac said she was his sister.  He says because he feared for his life.  Abimelek seems appalled but then orders no one to harm them.  Odd. We are told that Isaac planted crops and reaped a hundredfold.  What if we all pl...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 25: We open with Abraham taking another wife, who bore him six kids; and then we are told about some descendants.  Abraham is old at this point, and she was probably pretty young to drop six children.  As I've said before, people tend to romanticize "traditional Biblical marriage."  Bear in mind that traditional Biblical marriage is owning a woman, sometimes more than one, possibly decades younger than you, and she really had no say in this matter.  In addition to having a wife, some men (Abraham in this case) also would have many concubines. This doesn't make Abraham a shitty person, it just means he was an ancient person living in ancient times with relevant cultural norms.  Additionally, this shouldn't be a reason to discount the Bible, as this practice was not unique to the Bible; it was very common during this time period.  This is why we should seriously consider context when reading the pages in...

I am writing from my hotel in Richland, WA. Genesis 24: This chapter is loooong. So Abraham is old and God has hooked him up.  Abraham tells his servant to be sure not to let his son marry a Canaanite, but to go to his home country and find his son a wife among his relatives. It is important that we do not read this at face value and with a modern lens.  In today's world, incest is obviously not acceptable nor should it be; but this was not the case in antiquity.  In Ancient Egypt, close relation marriages in royalty were often practiced in order to continue the royal lineage. Gross; but this was as far away from today as we are from the year 5500. The servant is told to bring back a wife for Isaac, but not to bring Isaac there.  If he can't find a woman, then the deal is off.  So he puts his hand under Abraham's thigh in order to seal the oath.  lol.  We should bring this back.  #thethighpromise Mr. Servant Man heads out with a bunc...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 23: So Sarah dies at age 127. The rest of this chapter can be summarized as what happens when two people try to pay the same bill at a restaurant. - Can I pay?  (Abraham asking to buy land to bury Sarah) - No I'll pay.  (Hittites offering the land for free) - No I'll pay.  (Abraham insisting to pay for it) - No I'll pay.  (Hittites reiterating the land is a gift) - No I'll pay.  (Abraham standing his ground) - Ok fine.  (Hittites conceding to take Abraham's coin)