A 1189 Day Journey Through the Bible

I am writing from my hotel in Santa Rosa, CA. Joshua 19: Just when you thought we had finished dividing up the land, here we are with another chapter of who gets what.  Snooze.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. Joshua 18: Aaaaand we are dividing up more land.  This time, for the tribe of Benjamin.  I’m not sure how to make these chapters interesting.

I am writing from my hotel in Greenville, SC. Joshua 17: More allocation of land. This chapter deals with figuring out what land the people of Manasseh get. Some of the towns they couldn't occupy because there were Canaanites there. So they subjected the Canaanites to forced labor, but couldn't get rid of them completely So the Manassites complained to Joshua, and Joshua reminded them they are strong enough to drive out the Canaanites. What did the Canaanites ever do wrong anyway?  They get dumped on a lot.

I am writing from my hotel in Greenville, SC. Joshua 16: Well this is just an allotment of land for Ephraim and Manasseh.  That’s about it. 

I am writing from my parents’ house in Ellijay, GA. Joshua 15: More land distribution!  I guess when you slaughter a ton of people, you gotta figure out who gets what.  First we see what the tribe of Judah gets, in great detail. Caleb got some of this Judah land. Then there’s some inheritance of the tribe of Judah.  Again, in great detail.

I am writing from my parents’ house in Ellijay, GA. Joshua 14: This one opens with dividing up some more land. Then Caleb talks a bit about how he’s old and he’s got some land too and Joshua blesses him.

I am writing from my hotel room in Greenville, SC. Joshua 13: Two hundred days!!! Let's get to it. Joshua is old now.  Interesting that the life of Moses had spanned many books, yet after thirteen chapters, Joshua is already on the way out.  Dang. This opens with God reminding Joshua that he is old, but still has many lands to take. God tells Joshua that God will drive out everyone in the mountains, but for Joshua to divide up the land appropriately. The rest of the chapter is a detailed description of how land is allocated.

I am writing from my hotel in Greenville, SC. Joshua 12: This chapter is nothing more than a list of thirty one kings that the Israelites executed.

I am writing from the Alaska Lounge in the Los Angeles airport. Similar to the last chapter in which Joshua + God killed everyone in the south; Joshua + God killed everyone in the north. We should talk more about the parts of the Bible where God kills (or helps to kill) many people.

I am writing from my hotel room in Riverside, CA. Joshua 10: The king of Jerusalem hears about Joshua mowing down cities so he aligns himself with the five Amorite kings with the intent of sacking Gibeon. The attack Gibeon, so the Gibeons ask Joshua and the Israelite crew for help.  God reminds Joshua not to be afraid and that the Amorites are no match. So the Israelites defeat them, and actually more Amorites were killed by hail (as sent by God), rather than by the sword.  This is another instance where God is killing people.  Again, an issue with a literal reading.  But don't get caught in literalism here.  Ask yourself what the is bigger picture. Digressing. Then the sun stopped in the sky for a bit and Joshua thought because he asked for the sun to stop, this was proof of God helping Israel.  A stretch but okay lol. The five Amorite kings went to hide in a cave.  Joshua trapped them there for awhile with a big rock, and then brought t...

I am writing from my hotel room in San Francisco, CA. Joshua 9: So basically this chapter is the Gibeonites acting like they came from far away to see Joshua, but then he finds out that they didn't come very far at all.  Since God promised the land to the Israelites, they figured if they acted like they came from far away, then they wouldn't get wiped out.  Joshua decided not to slaughter them for lying and had them be woodcutters and water carriers.

I am writing from my hotel room in San Francisco, CA. Joshua 8: This opens with another reminder to not be afraid or discouraged. God tells the people to attack Ai and do the same as they did to Jericho, basically to wipe everyone out. This chapter is pretty basic.  Not much going on, and just predominantly recap.

I am writing from my hotel room in San Francisco, CA. Joshua 7: This opens with some armies being sent out. This chapter is essentially a recap chapter.  Focus on the good, and you'll find life.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Joshua 6: This one opens with the gates of Jericho being closed, then God tells Joshua to form a ritualistic marching band with trumpets. With God's help, they shouted and did the marching band around the city.  All the walls fell down and they killed every living thing in the city, including women and children.  Except Rahab, since she helped out the spies.  Her and her squad were spared. Then Joshua was famous. As I've said before, reading the bible literally causes a lot of problems.  IF LITERAL, God helped the Israelites kill many people, yet again. But this story is so much more than literal.  The Israelites are still on their journey out of slavery and towards their promised land, having to overcome a lot of fear and struggle along the way.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Joshua 5: The Amorite and Canaanite kings hear about how the Jordan dried up for the Israelites, and they got scared.  No more courage for those fellas. Next we have a bit of a scene change where we are making flint knives for circumcision.  They did this because the people born in the wilderness had not yet been circumcised.  So yeah.  They got circumcised as adults.  Ouch. This chapter closes with Joshua coming up to a commander near Jericho and then having to take off his sandals because the ground is holy. This chapter is a bit all over the place.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Joshua 4: So the people cross the Jordan, and Joshua had the twelve tribe leaders each get a stone. This is so people will someday ask what the stones mean.  They symbolize how the Israelites crossed the Jordan on dry ground, being led by God.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. Joshua 3: Similar to the parting of the Red Sea, God tells Joshua that the people will cross the Jordan, but to first have twelve Israelites carry the ark across.  As their feet hit the water, they were able to all cross on dry land. They believed God would show up.

I am writing from the T2 Lounge at the Dublin airport in Dublin, Ireland. Joshua 2: This one starts with Joshua sending two spies to Shittim to check out the land, specifically Jericho.  They went to stay with Rahab, who was a prostitute. Well the king of Jericho (Chris Jericho, I presume) hears about the spies and asks for Rahab to bring out the men. She hid the men, but said she didn't know where they were.  (They were on the roof) She actually told the pursuers to go after them quickly, as to deter them. So she goes up to the roof and tells the spies she's heard about them and how God is a dictator and how they laid waste to people and that she's afraid.  Rahab pleads with them not to slaughter her family.  They oblige as long as she doesn't tell on them. The spies head out and then eventually return to Joshua, telling him that people are "melting in fear" because of the stories they've heard.

I am writing from my hotel room in Brussels, Belgium. Joshua 1: A new book!!  And our story continues. Now that Moses is dead, Joshua has taken the reigns and God tells him that he's about to lead the people over the Jordan River.  God reminds Joshua to be strong and courageous, not to fear, and that God will be with them. The people say they will follow Joshua, just as they followed Moses.

I am writing from my Airbnb in Tel Aviv, Israel. Deuteronomy 34: Today is the last day of Deuteronomy, and my last night in Israel.  I have so many thoughts about this trip that I will share later. Moses goes up on a mountain near Jericho (present day Palestine), where God reminds him that all of the land is promised to his descendants.  Moses died in Moab (present day Jordan), and there he was buried.  The people mourned and now Joshua takes over.

I am writing from my Airbnb in Tel Aviv, Israel. Deuteronomy 33: Here we are!  After today, only one chapter left in Deuteronomy. This is pretty similar to the chapters when Jacob blesses his sons and Joseph's sons in Genesis 48 and 49. But this time, Moses goes through the blessings.  He gave them to the Israelites, Judah, Levi, Benjamin, Joseph, Zebulun, Gad, Dan, Naphtali and Asher - who is apparently the most blessed.

I am writing from my Airbnb in Tel Aviv, Israel. Deuteronomy 32: This chapter is mostly the song of Moses, and this is basically just a song that Moses recites to remember him, since he knows he's on his way out. It is pretty much just about how God is great, with a some guilt slipped in.  And you can't forget the judgment and condemnation.  (G)oT style. Give it a read. God tells Moses to climb up a mountain (present day Jordan) near Jericho (present day Palestine) because he's going to die there.

I am writing from my Airbnb in Tel Aviv, Israel. Deuteronomy 31: Finally, back to the story. So Moses is old (120) and says he can no longer lead the Israelites.  He will not be crossing the Jordan.  He introduces Joshua, tells him and the people not to be afraid, and that God will be with them.  God will help them destroy their enemies. THIS IS USEFUL AS A METAPHOR.  THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT IS NOT MEANINGFUL. We are ALL the people of Israel.  When you go back 3500 years to one specific person, nearly all in the world will have descended from that person.  Our enemies are the battles we face in life, and there are many of them. BE STRONG.  AND COURAGEOUS.  DO NOT BE AFRAID.  OR DISCOURAGED. How many times are we reminded of this?  A lot.  Perhaps it was known that fear would control us. Moses writes down the law and says they need to repeat it even seven years. So God tells Moses that he's about to die soon, and tha...

I am writing from my Airbnb in Tel Aviv, Israel. Deuteronomy 30: Day one in Israel and we got SOME GOOD STUFF here in Deuteronomy. More reminders.  Obey God, and you're in like Flynn.  Do what God says, and God will put all the curses on your enemies. #loveyourenemy skipping ahead.. IT IS SO OBVIOUS THAT JESUS WAS DISMANTLING THIS BULLSHIT THAT PEOPLE WERE BUYING INTO. digressing.. Then it gets interesting.  We are told here that this command is not in "heaven" or out at sea.  Do remember here that the word for "it is not in heaven" is the Hebrew word "shamayim," which can also be translated as the sky. The point here is that these words are accessible. BUT.  Here's the real point: " But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them,     I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed.  You will not live long in the land you are cros...

I am writing from the Diamond Lounge at the Brussels airport in Belgium. Deuteronomy 29: This is another recap chapter. Moses reminds the Israelites that God has had their backs. Keep the covenant and good things happen. Don't, and bad things happen.

I am writing from my hotel room in Dublin, Ireland. Deuteronomy 28: This chapter can be summarized quite easily. Do everything God says, and you're good to go.  Blessings aplenty. Disobey?  Well, prepared to get dumped on.  Curses galore. I'm talking LOTS of things you really don't want.  You should read through it. Namely, if you're engaged to be married, someone else will take your woman and rape her. Yep.  That is in the Bible. But is there any wisdom in here? Perhaps disobeying God is nothing more than disobeying the call to love everyone. One part stands out: "T he foreigners who reside among you will rise above you higher and higher, but you will sink lower and lower." Is this happening in America because of our widespread refusal to love the foreigner.  We have repeatedly told throughout the Old Testament to care for the foreigner, and here we are told that when we disobey God (aka not loving people), that the...

I am writing from The Centurion Lounge in the Seattle airport. Deuteronomy 27: This chapter opens with some instructions about writing laws onto some plaster stones; and then build an altar with these stones. Then we have a bunch of curses.  Cursed are the following: someone who.. makes idols, dishonors their parents, moves their neighbor's boundary stone (I think this means trying to get greedy with extra land), leads the blind astray (depth on this one), ANYONE WHO WITHHOLDS JUSTICE FROM THE FOREIGNER, THE FATHERLESS, OR THE WIDOW. Isn't it truly remarkable that we beat our drum of judgment yet FERVENTLY ignore this constant reminder in the Old Testament?? Digressing. the cursed.. sleeps with his father's wife, bangs an animal (the fact that they had to tell you not to do this suggests that it was an issue), sleeps with sister or step/half sister, sleeps with their mother in law, secretly kills their neighbor, accepts a bribe to kill an innocent person, ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Deuteronomy 26: Well this chapter is pretty straightforward, and is another example of where tithing comes into play in Bible.  Many people are very uncomfortable giving money to the church, and for very obvious reasons. We are reminded here that the Israelites were slaves in Egypt, and because God brought them out of Egypt and into their promised land, they should give a tenth of their earnings back to God. But what does that mean exactly?  God doesn't have a bank account. If we read further, we can get an idea.  Verse twelve says,  "w hen you have finished setting aside a tenth  of all your produce in the third year, the year of the tithe,  you shall give it to the Levite, the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow, so that they may eat in your towns and be satisfied." This suggests that when we tithe, or when when give back to the church, this is for the outsider.  The foreigner.  The ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Deuteronomy 25: More fun rules! If you have a dispute, take it to court.  If you need lashes, the judge has to watch. If two brothers live together and one dies without a son, his widow has to marry his brother.  First kid has to be named after the dead brother. If he doesn't want to marry her, she gets to embarrass him in front of the city by taking off one of his sandals and spitting in his face.  Seriously lol.  Then his family is known as The Family of the Unsandaled.  Which is just fantastic.  That should be a band. If two dudes are fighting and the wife of one tries to stop the other by grabbing his package, you gotta cut her hand off. Don't have two bags that weigh different amounts. And rest.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Deuteronomy 24: More dumb rules!  But then a fantastic reminder at the end.. This one kicks off with some good old fashioned ancient misogyny. If man 1 gets tired of his wife and divorces her, and she marries man 2, and he gets tired of her too (or he dies), man 1 cannot remarry her; since she has been defiled. The man can do whatever he wants, but the woman, well, she's just dirty and discarded.  Sound familiar? This was thousands of years ago, and we are disgusted by it; yet we let this shit happen TODAY. If a man is newly married, he has to stay home for a year to "bring happiness" to his wife. AKA get her pregnant.  Lets not pretend this means something else. Kidnappers get executed. Execution was en vogue wasn't it? Reminder about skin defiling diseases. If you borrow stuff, don't be rude or invasive about it. Here's a good one that we should remember: " Do not take advantage of a ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Deuteronomy 23: We've made it, friends.  The wet dream chapter. This has a rough start for the castrated.  No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the Lord.  Well that doesn't seem fair lol. Also, no foreign relatives if you want to enter assembly of the Lord.  Gotta keep that incest going!! But if you're third generation or more Egyptian then its okay. OH HERE'S THE FUN PART. If you have a wet dream then you have to stay outside of the camp until evening; and you better wash yourself before you come back. And when you poop outside, you have to dig a hole and cover that shit up! We close with a few random laws. If a slave comes to you, don't return them to their master, let them live wherever they want and don't oppress them. Don't pay any vows to God with prostitution money. Don't charge a fellow Israelite interest, but you can charge a foreigner i...