A 1189 Day Journey Through the Bible

I am writing from my hotel in Orlando, FL. Exodus 33: Okay so God throws down some weird threats and visits Moses in the cloud, but the takeaway from the chapter is that Moses' face was radiating after he encountered God.  He had talked to God numerous times, but for some reason, this time he was glowing. We've seen numerous times Moses doubting his place in all of this, but I wonder if he really owns his role at this point.  When we encounter love, we are changed.  Perhaps this is what the people saw. Listen here for the podcast!!

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 32: Alright so Moses is gone for awhile.  The people don't think he's coming back, so Aaron helps them build an altar of gold to look like a calf.  Remember they are forbidden to build other gods, and that is exactly what is happening here.  God ain't too fond of this, and commands them to kill a bunch of their own people.  If you read this literally, God is a lunatic.  Though if you take a step back, I think there's a deeper meaning here. Listen to find out!  Click here for the podcast link.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 31: It is easy to get lost in the literalism of these ancient texts, and when we do, we completely lose the meaning. We are ALL inherently creative and we need rest.  That's what I found in this chapter. Click here for the podcast!

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 30: This one has some more ritualistic directions.  We build an altar first.  Then we have a tax, called a life ransom.  Oh and some chemistry too! Listen here !

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 29: Things are about to get weird.  There's some directions for cooking bread, then some really gnarly directions on how to slaughter a bull.  This chapter is hilarious, so you need to listen. Click here for the podcast link!

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 28: This chapter contains more directions about ephods and garments, and is pretty boring; so I apologize in advance.  Hang in there, hopefully it'll get exciting again soon! Click here for the podcast!

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. I'm working on transitioning this blog into audio form. Exodus 27: For this chapter, we have more building directions.  Let's try it out! Click here .

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 26: This chapter contains directions on how to make a tabernacle.  There's some curtains and some wood and some goat hair.  Lame.

I am writing from 6E on Alaska Airlines flight 437 from Salt Lake City to Seattle.  Exodus 25: God tells Moses to tell the Israelites to bring an offering for God.  It’s still relatively unclear why a supreme being is even remotely interesting in an “offering.” This seems extraordinarily pedestrian for “someone” capable of creating a universe; don’t you think? It makes a lot more sense as a primitive people trying to make sense of a mystery. God also requests an ark out of a particular wood type and of specific dimensions.  This is empirically weird.  Think Indiana Jones.  There’s gonna be a lot of gold in and around this ark.  Some other stuff, but those tablets will be inside said ark.  Commandments.  Tablets of the covenant.  Ark of the covenant.  Following?  Good.  There’s some word weird ass directions for building this ark.  IS ANYONE READING THIS? This is followed by more bizarre instruc...

I am writing from my hotel room in Salt Lake City, UT. Exodus 24: God tells Moses to come up (the mountain I guess), but the others must stay at a distance.  Moses tells the people all the laws and whatnot, they say they will do whatever God says.  Then Moses writes down everything that God said. Moses builds an altar and there's some burnt offerings (the usual stuff).  He put some blood in bowls and splashed some on the altar.  Obviously. He also sprinkled some blood on the people as a way of saying that they'll do whatever God said for them to do.  Remember, that includes not oppressing foreigners. Moses and the elders and whatnot went to see God, and apparently God had feet.  Weird. So Moses goes up to the mountain for six days, during which a cloud covered the mountain.  On the seventh day, God called Moses up to a cloud where God was.  In a cloud.  A CLOUD. This apparently looked like fire to the Israelites below. So Mose...

I am writing from my hotel room in Salt Lake City, UT. Exodus 23: A few more laws.. Don't lie. Don't help guilty people. Don't side with the crowd if they are in the wrong. If you come across a lost or fallen ox or donkey that belongs to your enemy, help that animal anyway. Don't deny justice to poor people. Don't execute an innocent person. Don't accept a bribe. And another reminder about foreigners: "Do not oppress a foreigner;  you yourselves know how it feels to be foreigners, because you were foreigners in Egypt." This must be important. For six years you can sow and harvest, but you have to leave it alone during the seventh year.  Why?  So the poor among you can eat. Work for six days but rest on the seventh so your slave can rest too. Don't invoke the names of other gods.  Remember that gods aren't necessarily beings, they can be anything that consumes us.  Under that lens, this warning about other gods make a bi...

I am writing from my hotel room in Salt Lake City, UT. Exodus 22: MORE RULES! Steal a sheep or ox (and kill it or sell it)?  Pay back 5x for the cattle and 4x for the sheep. Someone breaks in your house and you kill them?  Not guilty of bloodshed if it happens at night, guilty if it happens after sunrise. Steal?  Make restitution, but if you're poor, you sell yourself. If the animal is found alive, then you pay back 2x. This word "restitution" appears a few times and is translated from the world "shalam" and means to make peace.  It is also translated as "pay" or "restore" or "repay," among a few others.  This word appears often and is translated quite a few different ways. Don't let your animals graze in someone else's field or you must make restitution from your field.  I guess that means you give up whatever crops they eat? If you start a fire and it burns some bushes or whatever, just make restitution. ...

I am writing from my hotel room in Salt Lake City, UT. Exodus 21: Alright we've got some laws!!  I wonder what we have in store. These are from God.  Ever heard someone say that God is the same today, yesterday and always? lol yeah me too. If you buy a Hebrew servant, you can keep him for six years; but you have to let him go on the seventh.  If he's alone, he's free to go.  If he's married when he gets purchased, they are both free to go. However, if the master provides a wife and she has kids, the wife and kids now belong to the master; but the slave is free to go after the seven years.  Well that sucks. Though if the slave doesn't want to leave his master and wife and kids, he can stay a slave for life; but he gets his ear pierced first. If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she doesn't get to be free like the dudes after seven years.  If the master doesn't like her, she gets a chance to redeem herself.  He also cannot sell her t...

I am writing from my living room in Seattle, WA. Exodus 20: God reminds everyone who God is and then throws down the ten commandments. 1.  No other gods. 2.  No worshipping images of stuff.  God says this a big no because God is a jealous god.  This seems excruciatingly petty.  Let's be honest. To add, God says that if people hate "him," then children of 3rd and 4th generations will be punished.  Okay.  This is pathetic.  I'm sorry, but IF LITERAL, this commandment is dumb.  Do all the mental gymnastics you want to justify this, but I'm just not seeing it. 3.  More megalomania:  Don't misuse God's name or you'll get the shaft. 4.  Don't work on the sabbath.  NO ONE, not even animals, can work on the seventh day of the week.  Anyone actually follow this? 5.  Honor your father and mother so that you may live for a long time in the land given by God. 6.  No murder. 7.  No adultery. 8....

I am writing from my hotel room in Anchorage, AK. Exodus 19: The Israelites have now been on their journey for two months.  At the beginning of the third month, they arrive at the desert of Sinai; and set up camp in front of the mountain. God tells Moses to tell the Israelites that they will be the favorites if they decide to obey God and keep covenants.  Have you ever heard a good explanation for why God "wants" to be obeyed?  Me neither. God continues by saying that even though all of the earth belongs to God, the Israelites gets to be a holy nation. We're nearly seventy chapters into the Bible, and this choosing of the descendants of Israel has been completely arbitrary. Moses tells the Israelites what God said, and they are cool with it.  Next, God will appear in a dense cloud so they will hear God and Moses talking, and then they will trust Moses.  A dense cloud? God tells Moses to consecrate (which means to make to declare sacred) the people an...

I am writing from my hotel room in Anchorage, AK. Exodus 18: Moses gets together with Jethro, his father-in-law.  They have some redundant chit chat and then Jethro says something that I think we often overlook.  In verse 11, Jethro says: "Now I know that the  Lord  is greater than all other gods.." So there are other gods, but this god is just better.  Interesting.  Did you know that? Jethro brought some burnt offerings and then they had a nice dinner. Moses then becomes some kind of judge who gets to decide things based on his interpretation of what God is telling him.  Hmm.  Jethro tells him that what he's doing isn't good, and that he cannot handle that work alone.  Jethro says that instead of Moses trying to do everything himself, to choose some trustworthy dudes so he can delegate tasks.  They would handled the simple cases themselves, but bring the difficult cases to Moses. Once Jethro had done his duty with all thi...

I am writing from my hotel room in Anchorage, AK. It's 11:28PM, and still light outside.  This is SO WEIRD. Exodus 17: The Israelites were bouncing around to wherever God wanted them to go.  I guess God was bored. They camped at one spot and there was nothing to drink, so they argued with Moses and asked him for some water. First they complain about being captive, then free, then hungry, and now thirsty.  CALM DOWN IZZY.  God had your back before, and probably will again.  Can we get a little trust? They ask Moses why he brought them here to die of thirst.  Recurring theme of whining? Moses asks God what to do with these whiners, saying that they are ready to stone him lol. So God tells Moses to hit a rock with his staff and some water will come out.  He does, and then reminds people that God is behind the curtain. We close this chapter with a nonsensical battle between the Israelites and the Amalekites, who had attacked the Israelite...

I am writing from my hotel room in Anchorage, AK. Exodus 16: The Israelites are pretty pissed at this point.  Basically they think they are going to starve, but had plenty to eat in Egypt.  Better to be a slave than be hungry? So next we have a very bizarre test from God.  Today's weather forecast:  Cloudy with a chance of bread. Remember, in these days, people thought heaven was "up," because they had absolutely no concept of what the earth was; or what was actually "up." To make sure the people follow God's instructions, God is going to make the bread rain and the people are only allowed to gather what they can eat for the day.  However, on the sixth day, they can get twice as much. Moses tells the Israelites that God hears their grumbling and then they will know God's name or something.  More of the you-will-know-it-is-me-because-the-shit-will-go-down theme.  Aaron is chatting up the Israelites and then the glory of God appears in a clou...

I am writing from my hotel room in Anchorage, AK. I HAVE NOW BEEN TO ALL FIFTY STATES. Exodus 15: We open Exodus 15 with a song that Moses and the Israelites sing together.  Its basically about how God is a bad ass. Aaron's sister Miriam sang the song with the ladies. Once Moses and the gang cleared the Red Sea, they went into the desert and wandered for three days without water.  That would suck. They got to a place called Marah (which means 'bitter'), but couldn't drink the water because it was bitter lol.  So God told Moses to throw a piece of wood into the water.  Well wouldn't you know it, Moses threw that damn wood into the water and the water was as good as Smartwater.  There's lot of magic tricks in Exodus. God tells everyone to behave or they won't get dumped on like the Egyptians did.  The tense here is weird, God is speaking both in first and third person in the same sentence: "If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 14: God tells Moses to camp in a weird spot so Pharaoh will think the Israelites are confused and wandering.  God says the following: "And I will harden Pharaoh’s heart,  and he will pursue them.  But I will gain glory  for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the  Lord .” Yikes.  Calm down. Pharaoh realizes they let everyone go and  God hardened his heart to make sure he'd go after them.  Pharaoh pursued the Israelites and overtook them near their camp. The Israelites are upset at Moses.  They said they'd rather work for the Egyptians than die out here in the desert.  Moses told them not to be afraid, that God has their back.  They just need to "be still."  We are not told what this means. God wonders why Moses is crying out, and tells him to raise his staff to split the sea so that the Israelites can walk through.  Go...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 13: God tells Moses to consecrate every firstborn Israelite male, even animals.  This is so they know who is in charge (God). Megalomania -  obsession with the exercise of power, especially in the domination of others. Moses gives the Passover rules to the people.  NO YEAST.  It really matters, ya know. God led the people out of Egypt towards the Red Sea; and Moses brought the bones of Jacob too. God turned into a cloud to help them through the day, and turned into fire to lead them through the night. I don't think God is a megalomaniac, but God is certainly being portrayed as one.  Why? Probably to give the Israelites hope that something was on their side.

Today I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 12: We open this one with some weird ass directions. God tells Aaron and Moses that this month (whatever month it was, we are not told - did they even know what a month was?) was the first month of the year.  On the tenth day of the month, everyone takes a year old male lamb (from the sheep or goats), takes care of them until the fourteenth, and then slaughters them at twilight.  Y'all hearing this nonsense? It gets weirder.  You gotta take some of the blood and put it on your door frame.  Sounds reasonable. It goes on.  Make sure that you roast the meat with some bitter herbs, but be sure to make the bread without yeast.  Very important!  REMEMBER, the meat MUST be roasted over the fire; no eating raw meat or boiling it.  But DO NOT leave it until morning, because then you'll have to burn it. Be sure that your cloak is tucked in, your sandals are on and your staff is in your hand....

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 11: This one is dark. God says there will be one more plague, and then Pharaoh will let the Israelites go. Moses tells Pharaoh that all the firstborn sons of Egypt will die, and that all of his officials will bow down to him. God tells Moses that Pharaoh won't listen to him, because his heart is hardened, duh. Okay, so God is planning to kill a bunch of babies. Hmm.

I am writing from my hotel room in Denver, CO. Exodus 10: According to God, the reason Pharaoh's heart was hardened was so that God can show everyone that the Egyptians were dealt harshly with.  This doesn't sound like a benevolent God, does it?  This image of God is just bizarre and petty. Next come the locusts.  Pharaoh asks for forgiveness.  You know the story.  His heart was hardened and he doesn't let the people go. Then we have three days of darkness with the same routine.  Heart hardened, no one let go. This time, Pharaoh tells Moses to go away and not come back.  Moses says okay. Well this is interesting.  Will Moses keep his word and not see Pharaoh again?  Will the Israelites finally make it out of Egypt?  Will these monotonous plagues finally end?

I am writing from my hotel room in Fort Collins, CO. Exodus 9: God tells Moses to tell Pharaoh that another plague is coming.  It kills the livestock, but not the Israelite livestock.  Doesn't matter, heart still hard, no one going free. God tells Moses to tell Aaron to throw some soot in the air and give everybody boils.  Everybody gets boils.  Pharaoh doesn't care because God hardened his heart to make sure he didn't care.  Pharaoh doesn't really have a choice here does he? Next, God basically says, "well I could've killed everyone, but I didn't so you might know who I am."  A bit narcissistic if you ask me.  Again, not trying to be disrespectful, but if you just read this out of the blue, that's what it looks like.  I'm reading this honestly. Then we have a hailstorm.  This time, Pharaoh actually backs off.  He says God is in the right and his people in the wrong. The hails stops, Pharaoh's heart is hard again, and he does...

I am writing from my hotel room in Salt Lake City, UT. Exodus 8: Here we go again.  God tells Moses to tell Pharaoh, YET AGAIN, to let the people go.  If Pharaoh refuses, then God will deploy the next act, a plague of frogs.  ribbit. As commanded, Aaron and Moses made frogs appear everywhere.  But as expected, the magicians did the same thing.  Pharaoh tells Moses to tell God to get rid of the frogs and he will let the people go.  Moses tells Pharaoh that he will get rid of the frogs but the ones in the Nile have to stay.  Pharaoh seemed okay with this.  I guess some frogs gone is better than all.  So all the frogs died and it smelled like dead frogs.  Pharaoh's heart hardened again and decided not to listen to Moses and Aaron after all, just as God had predicted.  Again, feels pointless. God tells Moses to tell Aaron to stretch out his staff and hit the ground, and then gnats will be everywhere!  Okay this one sucks th...

I am writing from my hotel room in Salt Lake City, UT. Exodus 7: Things are about to get WEIRD.  I have a lot to say about this chapter because its insane. God tells Moses that he is now like God to Pharaoh, and that Aaron will be a prophet.  Moses will do whatever he is commanded, and Aaron will tell Pharaoh to let the Israelites go, AGAIN. You have to admire the persistence. God will harden Pharaoh's heart again, and despite the antics, God says Pharaoh still won't listen to them. Then God says that some acts of judgment are gonna get laid down.  WHY. Why not soften Pharaoh's heart so the Israelites can leave?  Seems logical.  Then there's no need for whatever this impending doom is.  This seems unnecessary if we are just being honest. Remember, I'm reading this one chapter at a time and not reading ahead.  Resist temptation for spoilers. God says the Egyptians will know the name of God when the shit goes down. We are told that Mo...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 6: God tells Moses that he's about to see what will happen to Pharaoh.  Remember that God made sure that Pharaoh wouldn't let people go, only to punish him for not letting people go lol.  I'm curious to see where this goes. God reminds Moses about who God is, as if Moses forgot.  As a storytelling device, it makes sense to remind the reader.  We are reminded that God told the Israelites they can have some land, but they are enslaved now, and God hears their groans. God tells Moses to tell the Israelites that they are being freed, that God is behind it, and they'll get some real estate.  A bit redundant here. Moses tells the Israelites, but they don't believe him because they are still slaves.  God tells Moses to tell Pharaoh again to let them go.  Moses is obviously hesitant and asks God why Pharaoh would listen to him if the Israelites don't even believe him.  God commands Moses and Aaron...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 5: Aaron and Moses go to Pharaoh and tell him to let the people go.  They said God sent them.  Pharaoh of course doesn't buy this (remember that God made sure he wouldn't buy it), and declines the invitation to let all of his slaves free.  Big surprise.  Pharaoh says because he does not know God, he will not oblige. Aaron and Moses ask Pharaoh to take them on a three day hike into the sticks and offer up some sweet sacrifices to God, or they are gonna be toast. Imagine how sacrifices got started.  I bet it rained, someone thought they should kill a pig, they killed a pig, and it stopped raining.  Or what if they killed one pig and it didn't stop raining, so they killed multiple pigs until the rain (inevitably) stopped.  They thought it had something to do with dead pigs, but it was just the clouds.  Anyway. Pharaoh demands the slaves to work harder and not pay attention to the lies being s...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 4: This one picks up right where the last one left off. Remember that Moses is being called by God to go into Egypt and free the Israelites. He's concerned that they will not believe he was sent there by God.  So God has him throw his staff on the ground and it turns into a snake.  Interesting move.  God tells Moses to grab the snake, so he does, and it turns back into a staff.  That there is some fancy David Blaine stuff. The magic show continues as God tells Moses to put his hand inside his cloak.  He pulls it out leprous, puts it back in, and pulls it out perfectly fine.  Is this your card? God tells Moses if they don't believe the first sign, they may believe the second.  And if all else fails, to take some Nile water and pour it on the ground.  Because, ya know, it will turn into blood. Moses is hesitant because he does not think he is worthy of this task, yet God reminds him agai...