A 1189 Day Journey Through the Bible

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 7: And in this chapter we learn how Solomon finished building his temple and put a bunch of stuff in it.  There's also some details about measurements. I'd say there's enough info to make a nice replica.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 6: Solomon begins to build a temple.  I mean, he's probably not building it, as he likely has a plethora of slaves. Then we have some boring blueprints. Then God interrupts and tells Solomon that if he continues to do whatever God says, he will have the hookup. And some more details about interior design.  They used a lot of gold.  I guess the creator of the universe is really into gold. More interior design details.  So many details.  We could probably build one.

I am writing from my hotel in Hermosa Beach, CA. 1 Kings 5: So Hiram (the king of Tyre) heard about Solomon becoming king, and sends an envoy.  A type of encouragement perhaps. Solomon sends a message back that he’s been wanting to build a temple.  Included in the message is that he needs some wood.  Then Hiram sends a message and says he would be happy to help. Then the two of them made a treaty.

I am writing from my hotel in Hermosa Beach, CA. 1 Kings 4: First is a list of people who were Solomon’s officials and governors.  Not interesting. There were a lot of people in Israel and Judah. Oh and Solomon was very wise.

I am writing from my hotel in Hermosa Beach, CA. Solomon wants a new way of looking at things, and God obliges; except that this was all a dream and Solomon wakes up. When he woke up he went to Jerusalem and had some offerings, typical stuff. The next story is weird.  There’s two ladies and one tries to pull a fast one, saying that the son of the other is dead, and they tried to swap dead sons.  It’s weird.  Read it. Then the king said to cut the living baby in half, but they didn’t do that; they just give the baby to who it belonged to.  Okay then.  Riveting. 

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 2: David is on his way out so he tells Solomon to be strong, act like a man, and keep following God. He also reminded him not to let Joab go to the grave in peace.  But because the sons of Barzillai were nice to him, then Solomon should be kind to them.  I see a lot of inconsistencies in how David treats people, but what do I know?  I'm just reading it in the Bible. And there's a Benjaminite named Shimei, who cursed David before, but then David promised him that he wouldn't kill him.  But now that David is dying, he tells Solomon to kill this Shimei character.  That is kinda shitty, dude. Then David died, having ruled over Israel for forty years.  Conveniently, a lot of things happen in blocks of forty years.  The writers must've really liked this timeframe for one reason or another. Adonijah goes to Bathsheba and asks her to ask Solomon if he (Adonijah) can have Abishag as his wife.  A...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 1: David was old and always cold, so they got a virgin to keep him warm and take care of him, but they didn't have sex.  I guess cause he was really old? Then a guy named Adonijah declared himself king and sacrificed a bunch of livestock.  He had a party too. Well they tell David and he says that Solomon should be king.  So these other people declare Solomon king and have a party for him too. Adonijah was afraid of Solomon so he bowed down to him.  I guess there will be no rivalry here.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 24: As we've reached the end of 2 Samuel, it feels like we are getting close to the end of David's life. So David has 1.3 million soldiers, but has to choose a bad thing to happen to him (punishment from God) and his people, though he gets to choose from three:  famine, fleeing from enemies or plague.  None sound great.  He went with the plague and seventy thousand of his people died.  Sucks for those guys. An angel was about to destroy some more people but God stopped him/her/it.  Then David pleaded and said not to destroy the people, that his family should shoulder this burden. Then David builds an altar and roasts some oxen, business as usual.  Then the plague was (conveniently) stopped.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 23: In the penultimate chapter of 2 Samuel, David says his last words which are basically just exalting God again. And then there's a long list of David's warriors, accompanied by a few chosen accomplishments of said warriors.  Nothing really interesting here.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 22: This chapter consists of a song that David sings about how God is rad.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 21: So David has a talk with the Gibeonites about how Saul dumped on them, and asks them if there’s anything he can do for them. The Gibeonites specifically say they do not have the right to put anyone in Israel to death. Out of the other side of their mouth, they ask David for seven of Saul’s male descendants that they can kill and show off their dead bodies. So yes, it went like this:  We have no right to kill but give us seven dudes to kill. So David did just that and the Gideonites slaughtered them. Then the bones of Saul and Jonathan were carried around for awhile, then buried them. Then another war between Israel and the Philistines; there were multiple battles. Some big dude said he was gonna tell David but got killed instead.  Loser. Then a large dude with 6 fingers on each hand and 6 toes on each foot.  Why on earth is this mentioned? This large man taunted Israel so D...

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA.  2 Samuel 20: So a guy named Sheba rebels against David and gets some guys to follow him.  David kept ten concubines in confinement until the day they died because he’s a nice guy. Then Joab killed Amasa by stabbing him and spilling his guts on the ground. Then Joab comes looking for Sheba and a woman cuts off Sheba’s head and throws it to Joab.  Then some mundane details about army members.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 19: David is still mourning the death of Absalom, and Joab is being a dick about it; basically telling him to quit or he's gonna kill everyone. Then some boring bickering among people. Then some people talk to the king (David) and it isn’t very interesting. Then the king talks to an old guy.  This chapter is so long and so boring. 

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 18: David's army goes up against Israel and twenty thousand people die on one day.  Apparently the forest killed more men that swords, not sure how that went down. Then Absalom got stuck in a tree by his hair. One of the guys tells Joab he saw Absalom, but didn't kill him.  So Joab killed Absalom instead. Then David finds out that his son, Absalom, has died.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 17: Ahithophel (great name) has this idea to stealth kill only David and bring all the people back to Absalom. Then a guy named Hushai says it is a bad idea, and to get all of Israel on his side first before attacking; and when he attacks, to kill them all. It was determined that the latter advice was better. Then there was a couple days of really boring strategic stuff. Then a couple people brought David and his people some food.

I am writing from my hotel in San Francisco, CA. 2 Samuel 16: David goes a bit and finds someone named Ziba, who brings David a bunch of stuff and then Ziba is in good graces. David goes a bit further and someone from Saul's family (named Shimei) starts throwing rocks at David and his peeps.  And he's calling David a murderer. Abishai wants to cut off Shimei's head, but David says this doesn't concern him.  I love that is the first response.  Nothing reasonable, just straight for the decapitation. Shimei went along with them, hurling rocks, but no one bothered him. This chapter ends with a guy named Ahithophel telling Absalom to sleep with his father's concubines, so he does. Welp.

I am writing from my hotel in San Francisco, CA. 2 Samuel 15: So Absalom is guarding the city and telling people (Israelites) who have complaints that if he could, he would find justice for them.  I don't see how or why this is useful.  I guess it is the thought that counts? Perhaps he was trying to schmooze the people, because he was kissing them, and it said that he stole the hearts of the people.  Full stop here.  Do you think it is weird that American Christian weirdos who seem to hate gay people for no reason latch on to dumb shit in the Bible?  I'm 282 days into the Bible, and what do we have to go on so far?  The verse in Leviticus, THAT IS IT.  There's WAY more stuff to suggest that we should treat foreigners with respect, and I don't see the fundamentalists bending over backward to do that.  And to me, it is pretty obvious that it (the verse in Leviticus) is about respecting men.  Remember that women were property.  Use ...

I am writing from my hotel in San Francisco, CA. 2 Samuel 14: This one is pretty long and dense.  A real snooze, so I'll try to make it exciting. So Joab tells this widow from Tekoa to go to the king and say some stuff.  She tells the king that she had two sons and they got into a fight and one of them killed the other one, and now the town wants to put the remaining son to death.  Eye for an eye.  She obviously doesn't want this, and it seems the main motivation is that her husband loses his lineage if this son dies; so the king says he will make sure her son is safe.  The king asks the woman if Joab is behind this, then the king says to Joab (he's there?) to bring back Absalom.  What is happening?  So she is there?  Or Joab is?  Or they both are? Then there's a paragraph about how attractive Absalom is, and his hair is heavy. Absalom lived in Jerusalem for two years without seeing the king's face, then he wanted to see Joab, but...

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 13: So David has a son named Amnon and Absalom, and Absalom has a sister named Tamar. Amnom was in love with his sister Tamar.  He pretended to be sick so she would make him some bread and then he hit on her.  She declined so he raped her.  Then he got mad at her and made her leave.  Stand up guy. Two years later, Absalom waited until Amnon got drunk and then he killed him.  The long con. Then Absalom fled. 

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 12: Okay this one is a bit of a lesson. The Lord sends Nathan to talk to David.  Nathan tells David a story about a rich man with many livestock, a poor man with only one sheep, and a traveler.  The travelers comes to town, and because the rich man is stingy, he takes the one sheep from the poor man and feeds that to the traveler. David gets super pissed about this and says that the rich man should die.  Nathan then tells him that this story is about him (David), since he killed Uriah the Hittite and took his wife.  God tells David that his son will die, and so God gives David's son an illness, and he dies a week later. David had sex with another one of his wives and had a boy named Solomon that apparently God was really fond of. Then David slaughtered the rest of the Ammonite towns and took a bunch of plunder.

I am writing from the airstream park in Las Vegas, NV. 2 Samuel 11: David sent Joab and he destroyed the Ammonites, dictator style! Then David saw some hot chick who was already married, but he didn’t give a shit so he sent some people to get her and then they banged.  Ya know, because David was a stand up guy just like you’ve been told.  I mean he’s already got two wives, who cares?  Don’t forget to keep fighting for biblical marriage!!! lololol Then she got pregs.   Then some stuff happened and David got this dude named Uriah drunk.  Then Uriah died later on, but not alcohol related. Then some bickering, but that’s it?  They no longer get a say? Read deeper.  This one is further than I can go.P

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 10: The king of the Ammonites died, and he was nice to David, so David was nice to his son Hanun by sending some people to express sympathy. Hanun's people thought David was spying, so Hanun cut off half of their beards and cut up their clothes.  Odd thing to do. David heard about this and sent messengers.  Now this part is good.  Because the men were embarrassed, they told them not to come back until their beards grew back out.  LOL. People, at this time, happened to be extraordinarily stupid.  The Ammonites heard they were obnoxious to David so they got thousands of soldiers together from a few different tribes.  To retaliate, David did the same. Now you have thousands of men ready to square off for literally no reason. Like the dictator he is, David killed seven hundred charioteers and forty thousand foot soldiers.  Again, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Here is yet another exam...

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 9: This opens with David wondering if anyone is left from house of Saul that he can be nice to. A servant tells David that Jonathan has a son who is lame in both feet.  I assume this means he had polio or something like that.  His name was Mephibosheth.  Quite a mouthful. David tells him he will give him some land and that he’s always welcome to eat with him. The chapter ends with a reminder that he is lame in both feet.  They really want you to know this.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 8: We are reminded of David’s victory over the Philistines and the Moabites.  Because David is a sadistic dictator, David actually had the Moabites lay down on the ground and measured them with a length of cord.  Every two lengths of people were put to death, and the third was allowed to live.  I assume this is just for his enjoyment. David defeated king of Zobah, then he hamstrung all but one hundred horses, which means you cut the hamstring so they couldn’t walk anymore. Some Aramean dudes came to help and David killed twenty thousand of them. Oh and God is handing out these victories to David. David also stole a bunch of bronze, presumably from people that he slaughtered. This chapter closes with a reminder that David reigned all over Israel. 

I am writing from my couch in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 7: This one starts with God telling some stuff to a prophet named Nathan to tell David. The usual stuff: You’re wonderful; I did a lot for you; your family is great and will be rewarded; build a house for me; you’ll reign for a long time; etc etc. Then David replies with a similar prayer:  You’re wonderful; I’ll do whatever you want; I am grateful; I’ll build you a house. 

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 6: So David rounds up thirty thousands dudes to get the ark.  I guess it is heavy.  Some dude named Uzzah accidentally touched it, which pissed God off, so God killed him. This ark thing is weird. David brings the ark up to the City of David (Jerusalem), and they party and have burnt offerings. Saul's daughter Michal greets him and calls him vulgar because he's parading around half naked in front of slave girls. David said it is in front of the Lord, and reminds her that God chose him and not anyone from her family.  Class act this David. Oh and we are told that Michal will have no children.  She questioned God's chosen arrogant king, and that is a big no-no. Does anyone see David as the protagonist here?  I mean, how could you?

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 5: David is anointed as king of Israel. Then David marched to Jerusalem with his men and attacked the Jebusites.  David also took more wives and concubines.  You know, that biblical marriage. David became more and more powerful because God had his back. In these days, power is killing people and getting multiple women pregnant. The Philistines hear of David becoming king so they went searching for him.  David asked God if God would let him defeat the Philistines, and God said yes.  So David defeated the Philistines.  More Philistines come and God gives David a specific battle plan, then David defeated them too. This story isn’t literal, folks.  It’s about overcoming a struggle in your life that has always loomed over you; especially when it seems bleak.  When you read it like that in that context, the story comes to life.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 4: So a couple Benjaminite dudes stabbed Ish-Bosheth (a son of Saul) in the stomach and killed him.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Butthurt from the last chapter I guess.  This is all very immature. After they killed him, they cut off his head and brought it with them.  This story is a certain favorite of Sunday schools around America. They brought the head to David, thinking he would be pleased.  He wasn't, so he had them killed - claiming they killed an innocent man in his own bed.  They cut off their hands and feet and hung them by the pool.  Sunbathing entertainment I suppose. Then they buried Ish-Bosheth's head in Abner's tomb. You can't just fight violence with violence.  Never worked and never will. Can we get Jesus already?

I am writing from my hotel in Missoula, MT. 2 Samuel 3: So the war between the house of Saul and the house of David lasted a while, with the former getting weaker and the latter getting stronger. One of Saul's sons accuse Abner of sleeping with Saul's concubine, and they bicker a bit, it is lame. David demands that he make Michal (one of Saul's daughters) his wife, even though she is already married.  So they drag her away from her husband. David is often revered as this great dude who defeated Goliath, but as you've seen lately, he's a bit of an asshole.  Now you'll probably feel slightly offended at this statement if you've been told your entire life that David is a hero, but I'm willing to bet you've never read this book.  Hmm? David's men and Abner had just returned from a raid that brought them a lot of plunder, which assumes they slaughtered a bunch of people, based on literally everything else in the Bible up to this point. ...

I am writing from my hotel in Kalispell, MT. 2 Samuel 2: David asks God if he should go to one of the towns of Judah, and God tells him to go to Hebron. Then they anointed David there as king of Judah. So then they have some fight where David's guys square off against Saul's guys.  And then some dudes killed each other with a dagger. Then another guy named Abner stabbed a guy named Asahel with a spear. People are pursuing Abner, and then he says, “Must the sword devour  forever? Don’t you realize that this will end in bitterness? How long before you order your men to stop pursuing their fellow Israelites?” Abner is actually pretty wise with these words here, but didn't he just kill somebody? Not totally sure what is going on here.  Just a bunch of bickering and acting like idiots.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 2 Samuel 1: New book, new year! After Saul has died, David is in Ziklag, and then an Amalelkite man comes to his camp. This man had escaped from an Israelite camp, and informed David that Saul and Jonathan have died, and that the men had fled from battle. David understandably wants to know how he knows that Saul is dead.  This man tells him that he found Saul on his spear, and asked him what he could to do help.  Because Saul was dying yet still alive, he asked this Amalekite man to finish him off.  He said he knew he could not survive, so he obliged and killed him.  He brought back his crown and his arm band. David and his people mourned. David asks him why he wasn’t afraid to kill Saul.  Without letting them man respond, David ordered him to be killed, and it was so.  Kinda sad because this dude was just trying to do the right thing, and now he’s dead. Then David does a little lame...

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 1 Samuel 31: Last day of the year, last chapter of 1 Samuel. The battle heats up, and Saul’s sons are killed.  Saul is critically wounded and asks him armor bearer to finish him off.  He refuses, so Saul falls on his own sword.  Not a great way to go. The armor bearer follows, and falls on his sword as well.  The Israelites saw they had died and fled, and the Philistines took over the towns. The Philistines essentially put their bodies on display, but the people of Jabesh Gilead came to reclaim them and bury them.