A 1189 Day Journey Through the Bible

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 24: This chapter kicks off with God telling Moses to tell the Israelites to bring olive oil and bread to God.  BRING ME SOME BREAD YO. The second half of this chapter tells the story of a "blasphemer" who "blasphemed the Name with a curse."  So God tells Moses that this blasphemer should be put to death by stoning.  But then God also says anyone who takes the life of a human being is to be put to death. Wait a second.  This creates a never ending sequence of events where someone executes someone but since they executed someone they themselves must be executed and then they must be executed and so on forever. So essentially, God is sentencing people to death by commanding them to execute someone lol. OKAY. This chapter ends with the insane God character talking about an eye for a eye. "Anyone who injures their neighbor is to injured in the same manner." LOL If I was God, I'd probabl...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 23: This chapter opens with a reminder that there are some festivals that need to be recognized, a holiday calendar if you will. The Sabbath (no working on the seventh day). The Passover and the Festival of Unleavened Bread (no work and God hates yeast). Firstfruits (burnt offering, grain offering and good-smelling food offering for the Lord). Festival of Weeks (more offerings), but with a reminder:  "do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest.  Leave them for the poor and for the foreigner residing among you."  Even in a time of obvious brutality, there is still a reminder to care for the outsider.  Let us not forget that. Festival of Trumpets (play some trumpets and don't work). The Day of Atonement (no work and more offerings). Festival of Tabernacles (no work and a closing assembly). What is the point?  Vacation is good, but so is work.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 22: The list of directions from God continues... Aaron's sons need to respect the sacred offerings.  Basically, just don't be unclean. If you have a skin disease or bodily discharge, don't eat the sacred offerings until you are clean.  I guess this is so you don't get everyone sick.  That actually makes sense. You're also unclean if you touch a dead person or touch someone who just 'had an emission of semen.'  Honestly, the rule about not touching people who just had sex or pleasured themselves is pretty good.  Maybe just leave them alone lol. More about being unclean.  Blah blah. No one can eat the sacred offering except someone in a priest's family.  But if a priest buys a slave, they can eat it.  NBD. There's a bit more about who can eat what, but is genuinely not interesting. But you know what is interesting?  BCTC. Let me elaborate. You must not offer to the Lord a...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 21: The priests have rules too! He must not make himself unclean for certain people.  We are not told what unclean means in this particular context. No buzz cuts! No beard trimming! No cutting of the body. No profaning the name of God. No marrying a woman who has been a prostitute or has been divorced. HOLD UP. Divorced?  Thank God no one follows that one anymore.  Keep in mind that reading this with a modern lens is USELESS.  Women were PROPERTY.  Sadly.  Anyway. If a priest's daughter becomes a prostitute, she must be burned in a fire.  This a command from God.  The creator of the universe is telling Moses that if a priest's daughter becomes a prostitute, she must be roasted.  Where's the grace?  The mercy?  This version of God is NOT LOVING, but instead, a psychotic monster that is not worthy of praise.  AT ALL.  If a human came up with that idea,...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 20: How about some punishment?! Sacrifice one or more of your children to Molek - DEATH Curse your mom or dad - DEATH Shag another man's wife - DEATH TO BOTH Shag your dad's wife - DEATH TO BOTH Shag your daughter in law - DEATH TO BOTH Shag a man like you would a woman (remember because men are not property) - DEATH TO BOTH (note that all these rules are for guys) Marry a woman and her mother - ROAST THEM Shag an animal - DEATH TO BOTH Marry your sister and shag her - Not death, just ostracized Shag a woman on her period - ostracized Shag your aunt - infertility to both Marry your brother's wife - infertility to both Find out someone is a medium or spiritualist - DEATH TO THEM BY ROCKS

I am writing from my living room in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 19: LAW TIME. Do not do any of the following: Disrespect your parents. Turn to idols or make metal gods. Eat a sacrifice on the third day after you slaughter it. PAUSE. " Do not go over your vineyard a second time  or pick up the grapes that have fallen.  Leave them for the poor and the foreigner." There's wisdom here.  Let that sink in. RESUME. Steal. Lie. Deceive. Profane the name of God.  What does that actually mean?  And not just what you've been told. Rob your neighbor. Withhold wages. Curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind. Show favoritism to the poor or partiality to the favoritism to the great. Spread slander. Endanger your neighbor's life. Hate a fellow Israelite. Seek revenge. Bear a grudge. (This is our first reminder to 'love you neighbor as yourself.') Mate with different kinds of animals. Plant with two differ...

I am writing from my hotel room in Eugene, OR. Leviticus 18: LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX BABY. This one is gonna be long... There's a lot of don't's in this chapter.  Let's get to 'em! Don't act like the Canaanites or Egyptians, though it isn't clear on what they do that you should not. Don't have sex with your family. Well this is monumental because there was so much incest in Genesis.  I'd say they got this one right. Don't bang your mom. Don't pork any of your dad's wives. Don't make love with your sister. Don't get freaky with your granddaughter. Don't fornicate with your half-sister. Don't smash bits with your aunt. Don't get busy with your daughter-in-law. Don't shag your sister-in-law. Don't bone both a woman and her daughter. Don't take your wife's sister to pound town. Don't hook up with a woman on her period.  This goes back to the unclean thing and I think...

I am writing from my hotel room in Portland, OR. Leviticus 17: It is important to note that sacrificing animals must be done in a certain location.  That is, at the entrance of the tent of meeting.  Do it in the camp or outside the camp, and you get cut off from your people.  Though we are not told what this means. These sacrifices are supposed to be made to the Lord, and at this point it appears the Israelites were doing them in a field. Bottom line:  Bring your sacrifice to the tent of meeting unless you wanna be ostracized. Also, no eating blood.  This means no black pudding!  Black pudding is gross anyway. If you kill an animal to eat, you have to drain the blood and cover it with dirt. If you find a dead animal, then you have to wash your clothes and take a bath. And that is the end of the chapter. Do you do these things? I'm guessing probably not lol. Leviticus is weird.

I am writing from my hotel room in Portland, OR. Leviticus 16: The wild ride through Leviticus continues. Aaron is warned that he must not get to close to God or he will die.  God will appear in a cloud. If Aaron wants to enter the "Most Holy Place," there are a series of instructions.  This includes bringing a bull (sin) and a ram (burnt), as well as wearing the correct clothing.  It appears he needs to sacrifice some goats as well.  One of the goats will be sent into the wilderness, though. The bull and goat offerings are rather pedestrian.  You know the drill, slaughter it and then do the finger blood thing. All of this somehow means what you did wrong is fine now that you killed your animals. I understand that an animal was a prized possession, but it kinda sucks for the animal that its owner was doing things he or she shouldn't.  Oh well. What if you had to sacrifice your dog or cat whenever you did something wrong?  Exactly. Onc...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 15: A man who has an unusual bodily discharge will be considered unclean.  We are not told what "unusual" is. And basically anything said man touches will also be unclean.  This includes if he lies on something or spits on anyone, among other things. More offerings too. Any emission of semen by a man will be unclean and bathing is necessary. Women are also unclean during their periods, as well as any other time she bleeds. There's some rules about how long people are unclean, and the chapter closes with a recap of the chapter's regulations. Zero people on earth follow this passage.

I am writing from my hotel room in Eugene, OR. Leviticus 14: So if you have a skin disease, you gotta kill a bird or something.  And something with blood, always blood. The person getting cleaned had to wash their clothes and then shave all their hair. Then they gotta give up some lambs. Guilt offerings.  Wave offerings.  Oils.  Same stuff. Basically, if you screw up, you gotta sacrifice something.  As Kevin said, animals were a big deal.  Giving one up means you were giving up something important to your survival. Many rules for skin conditions here. We close with some regulations for defiling molds. Skin conditions and molds. Yep.

I am writing from my hotel room in Davis, CA. Leviticus 13: This chapter goes on and on and on AND ON about skin conditions and how a priest gets to be a dermatologist. It ends with a short bit on how to remove mold.

I am writing from Chelsea and Josh’s place in Sherman Oaks, CA. Leviticus 12: This one starts out pretty weird.  Women are unclean for awhile after giving birth because of the blood.  During this time, she can’t touch anything sacred. Arbitrarily, if she gives birth to a daughter, she is unclean for twice as long as when she gives birth to a son.  This is bullshit if you ask me.  Anyway. So once her purification is over, she needs to bring a lamb as a burnt offering and a pigeon or dove as sin offering, both to the priest.  If she can’t afford a lamb, she can bring an extra bird. A sin offering?  The hell?  What did she do wrong? I assume they didn’t know that the blood flow was natural and they thought it was bad.  This is a fundamental misunderstanding of human anatomy. 

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 11: This chapter kicks off with some rules about animals that you should and should not eat.  For absolutely no reason at all, many animals are regarded as unclean. You can eat an animal that has a divided hoof AND chews the cud.  If they do one of the two, you can't eat it.  Animals you cannot eat include but are not limited to camels, hyraxes, rabbits and pigs. BACON. As far as sea creatures go, your animals of choice must have fins and scales. SHRIMP. There's a bunch of birds you can't eat and it is explained it detail. Additionally, you can't eat flying insects that walk on all fours.  HOWEVER, if those types of insects have jointed legs for hopping on the ground, then you can eat those. If you pick up the carcasses of any of these animals, you have to wash your clothes. A list of animals that "move along the ground" is included that you cannot eat.  These are lizard type animals and r...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 10: This one opens pretty weird.  Two of Aaron's sons decided to offer up some unauthorized fire before God.  Well, God isn't fond of authorized fire; so God roasted them and they died.  Yikes. Moses tells Aaron and his sons to take care of their hair and not to tear their clothes, otherwise they will die and God will be angry with everyone.  WHOA CALM DOWN YO. God tells Aaron that him and his sons can't drink wine or any other fermented drink before going to the tent of meeting or they will die.  This is so you can tell the difference between the holy and the common. Moses tells his remaining sons (the ones who haven't been scorched) about some offerings and the waves and the thighs. Offerings and sacrifices and blah and blah. Truthfully I thought Kevin's explanation of sacrifice made sense:  You had to give up something that was of value to you.  But with that in mind, I don't underst...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 9: This chapter is just a recap of all the offering rules, played out in real time by Aaron and the people.  Lots of slaughtering animals, blood, organs, and offerings. The Lord appeared as promised and was on fire.  The fire consumed the burnt offering and the fat, and the people saw it, and they loved it. What an interesting ancient ritual.  Hopefully the next chapter can finally move on from all this nonsense.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 8: This appears to be the culmination of all the stuff we've been working on since mid Exodus. God asks Moses to bring Aaron and his sons, along with all their stuff (including but not limited to: garments, anointing oil, sin offerings, rams, bread with no yeast) to the tent of meeting. Moses puts the tunic on Aaron.  The ephod and the breastpiece also make an appearance. This is obviously some sort of ancient ritual, complete with bull slaughter and blood.  Oh and ram slaughter.  And some bread, but not yeast. Cook the meat, eat the bread.  Burn the stuff you don't use. Sorry, but this story is dumb.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 7: More offerings!  Kill some animals and splash some blood! There's also some meat rules for the fellowship offering. Oh and don't eat any fat or blood.  Sorry, no black pudding! This chapter closes by telling us that the priests get a right thigh and then more offerings blah blah. What is the point of all these offerings? Why would the creator of the universe "want" animals to be slaughtered and burned? It seems like a combination of a tribal mindset and a fundamental misunderstanding of reality.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 6: Okay God said a lot to Moses, how did he remember all of it?  Anyway. This chapter opens with more rules.  If you screw someone over, just make up for it. There's some rules for how the burnt offering works, none of which is remotely interesting. Then some rules about the grain offering. Then some rules about the sin offering. No one does any of this stuff.

I am writing from my living room in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 5: You will be held responsible if you know some shit went down and you don't say anything.  I think this one makes sense. If you become aware that you do something bad or touch some unclean animals, then you gotta sacrifice a female goat or lamb, duh. Well what if you can't afford a lamb? That's okay.  Two doves or two pigeons will do.  One for a sin offering and one for a burnt offering. Now these directions are pretty specific.  You take the birds to the priest and he will take the head off the pigeon and the splatter the blood on the side of the altar.  Drain the rest at the base of the altar.  DUH. Can't afford the birds?  You can bring some flour and the priest will burn that and keep the rest. If you do some stuff that God doesn't like but you don't know that you did it, you must sacrifice a ram.  How do you know to sacrifice the ram if you were unaware you did anyth...

I am writing from my hotel room in Richland, WA. Leviticus 4: God tells Moses that if anyone sins unintentionally and breaks the (long list of) commands, AND if the priest sins by BRINGING GUILT ON PEOPLE.  Hey lets read that again. "If the anointed priest  sins,  bringing guilt on the people.." It sounds like religious leaders trying to guilt people was viewed as unfavorable.  Imagine that. Anyway, if anyone does these things, then you gotta bring a young bull to God as a sin offering.  Ya know, because the creator of the universe cares about dumb crap like this. IMPORTANT NUANCE HERE.  If you're a priest that sins or the entire community sins, then you sacrifice a young bull.  If you're a leader, its a male goat.  If you're just a community member, its a female goat.  These animals need to be without defect though.  Oh and you can bring a lamb as a sin offering too, but the reasons why are not said. Okay so back to sacri...

I am writing from my living room in Seattle, WA. Leviticus 3: So this chapter contains various animal sacrifices, complete with blood splatter and kidney removal. Oh and of course, it must smell good when you burn it. It ends with a reminder not to eat any fat or blood. There really isn't much else to say.  These are antiquated directions that literally no one follows. I know people like to say you can't pick and choose, but ain't nobody choosing this chapter. Let's be real.

I am writing from my hotel room in San Jose, CA. Leviticus 2: If you're gonna bring a grain offering to God, remember that it needs to smell good.  God really likes good smells.  Make sure you wear deodorant too. NO YEAST. God also loves salt.  DON'T FORGET THE SALT. The rules are easy: 1.  Smell good 2.  No yeast 3.  Extra salt

I am writing from my hotel room in San Jose, CA. Leviticus 1: Exodus is officially done!  Let us see what Leviticus has in store. This chapter is essentially just God giving some bizarre directions on how to prepare a burnt offering.   The smell should be pleasing to the Lord.  Is this suggesting that God can smell things? If you'd like to know the details on how to cut up your offering, be sure to check out this chapter.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Exodus 40. So I've decided to only do the podcast on super interesting chapters where I have a lot to talk about. This isn't one of them. This chapter starts with God telling Moses to set up the tabernacle, the tent of meeting, etc etc (all the stuff we've talked about in these boring Exodus chapters).  None of this is remotely interesting. This chapter closes with the God cloud covering the tabernacle, which prevented Moses from entering.  During the day, the God cloud covered the tabernacle; though during the night, there was fire in the cloud. Exodus closes with these boring yet interesting depictions of this tabernacle and whatnot.  Anyone love these last ten or so chapters of Exodus?

I am writing from the lounge at the Orlando Airport. Exodus 39: The first two sections of this chapter are directions on how to make an ephod and a breast piece.  After that, there's some instructions on other garments.  This chapter closes with Moses inspecting the tabernacle, which is essentially a review of everything.  He approved the work. There really isn't much to say about this chapter.  These recent Exodus chapters have been quite dry. Listen to the podcast here !

I am writing from my hotel room in Melbourne, FL. Exodus 38: First we have directions on how to build an altar of burnt offering. Second we have very brief directions (almost none) on how to build a wash basin. Third we have quite detailed directions on how to build the courtyard. Finally, we have a specific explanation on the materials used in this process. Where is the wisdom here? Listen to the podcast here !!

I am writing from my hotel room in Melbourne, FL. Exodus 37: So much acacia wood. This chapter has directions for an ark, a table, a lamp stand (with a bunch of gold), and an altar of incense.  That really is about it.  The blog has taken a serious hit in these incredibly boring Exodus chapters. Click here for the podcast!

I am writing from my hotel room in Melbourne, FL. Exodus 36: This chapter contains some very boring directions on how to make a tabernacle, but also something very interesting. Everyone contributed to make the sanctuary, so much that Moses actually had to tell people to stop bringing stuff because they had too much. I can imagine a world where we are this generous. Listen to my audiobook with commentary here !

I am writing from my hotel room in New York, NY. Exodus 35: Moses reminds the people that execution is the penalty for working on the sabbath.  Cruel and unusual punishment if you ever asked me. The rest of the chapter is follow by detailed instructions on how to make a tabernacle.  Oh and we get another reminder of my favorite tribe:  The Tribe of Dan. I really wish these chapters were more exciting, but they are not. Listen to the podcast here !

I am writing from my hotel room in New York, NY. Exodus 34: We open with God reminding Moses that he broke the first stone tablets.  So he makes a few more, and brings them back down the mountain.  This is followed by a recap of the things that the Israelites shall not do.  At the end of the chapter, we see an expansion on the radiating face of Moses. God reminds us that God is jealous and that Jealous (with a capital J), is "his" name.  I think this is completely egomaniacal, but that is if we read this literally, which I do not. I think Moses' face is a really interesting part of this story.  Listen to the podcast here !