A 1189 Day Journey Through the Bible

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 22: We open with God testing Abraham by asking him to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, as a burnt offering on a mountain.  I'm picturing Stannis Baratheon.  So Abraham gets all his party supplies ready for the barbecue.  We are not told why Abraham is being told to roast his child. Isaac can tell that there's a sacrifice about to take place and his asks his pops where the lamb is.  Abraham chooses to be misleading and says that God will provide the lamb (knowing that he's about to throw his boy on the barbie). Well he ties Isaac up and then right before Abraham is about to knife him, an angel yells out and tells Abraham that he actually doesn't need to kill his son after all.  I guess God just wanted to know that he would.  LOL OKAY. Because God loves roasted animals, Abraham found a trapped ram and cooked that instead of Isaac. God tells Abraham (again) that him and all of his descendants will be ...

I am writing from my hotel room in Orlando at the airport.  Genesis 21: So we start with the birth of Isaac, who was promised to be a son of Sarah.  Everyone is super excited about Isaac.  And OBVIOUSLY you know he was circumcised on day eight.  Actually Abraham did it, at age 100. Keep your scalpel away from me old man.  Sarah was super pumped because her worth was in her ability to have some kiddos.  Then she gets mad because Hagar’s son is cool too, and wants to get rid of Hagar; even refers to her as ‘slave woman.’  Damn yo she’s a person too.  Abraham is all concerned but God reminds him that even the son of a slave, because he is his offspring, will be made into a nation.  This is pretty progressive for this time.  Alone this obviously still sounds oppressive; but there’s freedom in these words if we consider the timing.  Yet another reason why reading the Bible at face value, with a modern lens, is use...

I am writing from my hotel room in Orlando, FL. Genesis 20: So here we are and Abraham is pulling the old “she’s my sister” gag again, this time on Abimelek, who is the king of Gelar. Though God comes to Abimelek in a dream and tells him he’s as good as dead because she’s married.  And he’s all confused (OBVIOUSLY) because he didn’t know.  So God drops some mercy.  How many times is Abraham gonna do this? So Abimelek is told to return Sarah (remember, she’s property) to Abraham or he and everyone he knows will die.  Easy decision there lol.  Abimelek asks Abraham why he would con him like this, and Abraham says that they’d kill him otherwise.  Then Abraham says that Sarah really is his sister because they have the same dad.  Gross.  Abimelek gives them some cash and tells them they can live anywhere in his land they want.  God decides to make Abimelek’s wife and lady slaves fertile again so they can have some babi...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 19: This chapter is hilarious. Some angels show up to Sodom and Lot greets them, he says they can wash their feet and spend the night.  Angels have feet? They didn't want to spend the night with Lot, but he insisted and made them some bread. Here's where it gets weird. Before they all went to bed, every man (young and old) in the entire city surrounds the house.  They (all the dudes in Sodom) asked Lot about the men who came to see him.  So angels can be men? The sausage party tells Lot to bring them outside so they can have sex with them. You heard it here first folks.  All of the dudes in Sodom are interested in gang banging of couple of angels.  #angelgangbang Lot tries to talk some sense into them (they clearly need it) and decides to offer up his virgin daughters instead. The dudes aren't interested in the daughters, so they try to break down the door.  The angels pulled Lot back ins...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 18: Now that we have all of that foreskin out of the way, the Lord appears to Abraham and then three dudes show up.  Abraham offers them some food and a resting place.  He told Sarah to get 36 pounds (really) of flour to bake some bread, while he went after a calf.  It says they had some milk, and I guess they made burgers too.  Why not?  They enjoyed the meal under the tree. One of the men told Abraham they would return the same time next year and Sarah will have a son.  She was eavesdropping on this conversation and laughed, thinking she was a bit old to have kids. The Lord interjects and tells Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord?" Flexing that Lord muscle. Ok this part is hilarious. Verse 15 reads:  "Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, 'I did not laugh.'  But he said, 'Yes, you did laugh.'" LOL.  CALLED OUT, SON! So the dudes get up to leav...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. PLEASE NOTE: - I am not a Bible scholar nor do I claim to be. - I am not trying to give a comprehensive study of the Bible. - I am just reading the Bible, one day at a time, and talking about it like a normal person who has never read it. - Regardless of how you approach the Bible, my hope is that we can challenge each other along the way. Genesis 17: This chapter starts with God telling Abram to walk with him faithfully and God will make a covenant and increase in numbers and give him a bunch of nice stuff.  God tells Abram he will be the father of many nations and renames him Abraham.  It says that "Abraham" probably means 'father of many.' God says that Abraham gets to have Canaan and so will his descendants.  Sucks for the people who already live there lol. So that is God's part of the deal, but in order for Abraham to fulfill his part of the covenant, him and all his descendants must get circumcised.  Wh...

I am writing from 11A on an Alaska Airlines flight from San Jose to Seattle. Genesis 16: We are reminded that Sarai cannot bear children, but that she has a slave lady named Hagar.  Sarai says that the Lord has kept her from having children.  Maybe she’s looking for something to blame, I think most of us would.  Next she offers up her slave to sleep with Abram so she can build a family through her.  Sucks for the slave.  Sarai gives Hagar to Abram so she can be his wife.  Remember that women were property. Hagar gets pregnant and starts to despise Sarai.  (Not sure why they thought this arrangement would work) Then Sarai tells Abram that her suffering is his fault.  WHOA NOW.  THIS WAS YOUR IDEA SARAI.  So Abram tells Sarai to do whatever she wants with Hagar, so she decides to mistreat her.  Nice.  Then Hagar bounces. (obviously) An angel finds Hagar and tell her to go back to Sarai and sub...

I am writing from my hotel room in San Jose, CA. Genesis 15: Some of this one is just silly. This chapter opens with Abram being told not to fear in a vision from the Lord.  Abram responds by saying "what can you give ME," and then blaming God for not giving him children, followed by pouting that his servant will be his heir.  The Lord rewards Abram for his behavior and says the servant will not be an heir, but that his own flesh and blood will be. So the Lord reminds Abram that he will take possession of the land, and Abram asks how will he know.  OH THIS NEXT PART. The Lord asks Abram to bring:  a heifer (a young cow that hasn't given birth yet), a goat and a ram (each three years old), a dove, and a pigeon.  Come on y'all.  Now is a good chance to drop biblical literalism.  Why on earth does the creator of the universe give even the smallest damn about animal sacrifices?  Really.  This is so painfully obvious that primi...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 14: The first ten verses showcase kings going to war against some other kings.  GoT style. We are told that the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and then some other kings looted Sodom and Gomorrah for their food and goods.  GoT style.  Since Lot was living in Sodom, the kings took him and his possessions too. An escapee ran and told Abram that Lot had been captured.  Abram dispatched his crew and they took back the seized possessions, Lot, and the women.  GoT style. Since Abram had defeated one of the main kings (Kedorlaomer), the other kings allied with him and praised him with gifts and kind words. Then Abram gave them a tenth of everything.  This is where "tithing" comes from.  I'm curious to see where else it will come up in the Bible. So the king of Sodom wants the people and says keep your goods for yourself.  Abram reminds him that he has sworn to accept nothing from him (but ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 13: Abram, Sarai and Lot head back to the Negev from Egypt, ending up in Bethel.  He is now very wealthy in livestock and silver and gold.  He went to his old tent and called on the name of the Lord.  We are never told exactly what this means. Apparently the possessions of Lot and Abram were so great that "the land could not support them while they stayed together."  I picture a western:  This town ain't big enough for the two of us!  To add, their herders couldn't even get along. Abram tells Lot that they shouldn't quarrel since they are family, and that its in their best interest to part ways. After considerations with the realtor and eliminating the first two choices, Lot decided he needed quartz countertops and a place to entertain; so he headed east to the Jordanian plains near Sodom.  It tells us that this was before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, which is a hot topic, so we will...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 12: We open with the Lord calling Abram to leave his country, people and father's house to go to some special land.  The Lord tells Abram that he's the coolest kid on the block.  Whoever is nice to Abram, the Lord will be nice to; whoever is mean to Abram, well, the Lord will whip some ass.  This sounds like something a king would write about himself.  I assume the author wants us to know that Abram is elite.  I choose to believe God is above cursing people.  Curses from God sound like a way for primitive humans to justify their ridiculous behavior. So Abram, his wife (Sarai), and his nephew (Lot) head off for Canaan.  Low and behold, the Canaanites were there.  The Lord told Abram not to worry about those losers, and land was as good as his!  God sure does have favorites! lol Abram headed to Bethel (shout-out to Steffany Gretzinger) and then continued toward the Negev. To avoid the ...

I'm writing from my couch in Seattle, WA. Genesis 11: I found Genesis 11 pretty interesting! This chapter opens by telling us that the whole world (remember that they could not have had a concept of the entire earth) had one language and a common speech. SAY WHAT?  Lets back up to Genesis 10 real quick.  Verse 4 in chapter 10 tells us that not only did the sons of Javan spread out into their own territories with their own languages, but that the decedents of Shem (10:31) AND Ham (10:20) had their own languages as well.  Well, which one is it? So some people moved eastward and settled in Shinar (Babylonia).  They get an idea to build a city with a tower to "the heavens."  For whatever reason, primitive people thought "the heavens" were up towards the sky.  This is, of course, a fundamental misunderstanding of reality; but we'll cut them some slack because they had no idea. The Lord then "comes down" to check out the city and the tower.  ...

I am writing from my hotel room in Portland, OR. Genesis 10: Okay this one is SO BORING; I'll try to summarize.  Pay attention, it gets confusing.  I'll refer to them in generations in hopes to keep track.  Noah will be G1, Ham G2, Canaan-G3, etc. We have an account of Noah-G1's three sons. (Shem-G2, Ham-G2, Japeth-G2) Japeth-G2 had seven sons.  Two of them are worth noting:  Gomer-G3 and Javan-G3 Again, so much incest must be going on for this to even happen.  Because the genetic code is so similar, we would likely be seeing a plethora of birth defects.  Anyway.. Gomer-G3 had three sons. Javan-G3 had two sons (but also the Kittites and Rodanites?) Ham-G2 had four sons.  Three are worth noting (sorry Put-G3):  Cush-G3, Egypt-G3, Canaan-G3 (remember that Noah-G1 singled out and cursed Canaan-G3 for no reason) Cush-G3 had five sons.  One worth noting:  Raamah-G4 Raamah-G4 had two sons. It says Cush was the father...

Today I'm writing from a hotel in Eugene, OR. Genesis 9: We open with God telling Noah and his sons to be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth.  But who are their kids going to increase in number with?  Incest game real strong. God tells the clique that anything that lives and moves about will be food for them.  (sorry vegans) God warns Noah against eating meat that has its lifeblood in it.  I think this means God orders a steak at least cooked medium, but I cannot say for sure. Next comes a poetic reminder about not shedding human blood, though it really isn't clear what is being said.  Again we hear that mankind is made in the image of God, but with no explanation what this means.  We are often told we are made in the image of God, yet I've seen no biblical explanation yet.  I'll revisit this as we journey through the Bible, and see if anything comes up. God reminds Noah (again) that there won't be another genoci...

Genesis 8: Chapter 8 begins with God remembering Noah was out there, so God sends a wind that lowers the flood waters.  As the water was receding, then Jon Snow - I mean - Noah sends a raven to fly around. Next, a dove heads out to check the water levels, but its still too high.  So the dove comes back, chills out for a week, and then heads back into the world and finds an olive leaf.  I thought God killed everything?  A week later, the dove went out and never came back.  Makes sense. We are told the water dries up and Noah is 601 years old.  Did the oceans dry up to?  The flood myth is not unique to Christianity.  There are actually many different flood myths across various cultures.  Remember the Sumerian King List I mentioned before?  A great flood happened there too. For what its worth, an ancient flood isn't compatible with our modern understanding of geology and paleontology.  If you need to believe the flood happened in...

Genesis 7: God opens with a reminder that Noah is the favorite.  Noah is told to take seven pairs of every animal (I thought it was just one pair?) onto his magnificent boat.  We found out that Noah gets a one week notice before the genocide storm rolls in.  Seven seems to be a hot digit for our author. Apparently Noah was 600 when all this went down.  That’s a lot of social security checks. The author tells us that the flood arrived on the seventeenth day of the second month.  Remember that the calendar we observe was not created until the 16th, so we don’t really have any idea when this was.  Just to be safe, wear your rain boots every February 17th. The story is clearly allegorical because it says the floodgates of heaven opened.  A lot of this chapter is redundant, so hang in there.  This was quite the storm.  It says that the highest mountains were covered with water.  Mount Everest is 29,029 feet. Local meteoro...

Genesis 6: This one opens up with a sexist doozy! “When human beings began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that the daughters of humans were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose.” LOL Patriarchy at its finest.  Sorry ladies, your freedom of choice didn’t exist.  Do remember this was as far away from today as today is from the year 5500. God tells us next that humans are mortal and their days will be 120 years.  Well, we have actual record of people living over 120, though most of us don’t make it that far.  I assume the author placed this here to try and make sense of our mortality. We are then told that the Nephilim were on the earth in those days.  Yep.  Giants.  Eli Manning roamed the planet long ago. Our story takes a dark turn.  The Lord sees that humans are assholes, has an overwhelming sense of regret, and decides to wipe us out; though God ha...

Genesis 5: I'm starting to look at the Jewish study Bible as I go through this, as well as a few other sources. This is Adam's family line.  Buckle up; the intensity is going through the roof on this chapter! We are told by the author (which some believe to be Moses, how do we know?) that when God created mankind (remember the Hebrew word for mankind is 'Adam'), they were made in the likeness of God.  We are not told what this means.  I think it means that "God" "created" existence, and we are therefore inherently creative.  This makes the most sense to me.  Any idea of God being a big dude with a white beard is just too weird for me. Next we have the author rambling about lineage and exaggerated ages.  THIS GUY IS A MILLION YEARS OLD BRO.  LOL. During antiquity, it was actually quite common to embellish longevity and monarchical reigns; so this isn't unique to the Bible.  The Sumerian King List is an ancient stone tablet which lists th...

Genesis 4: I struggled a lot with this chapter because it’s nonsense. It opens with a sex scene, and then we have Cain and Abel. Cain is a farmer and Abel a herder I think. Abel brings a sacrifice of animals which God really gets a kick out of, though lowly Cain brings an offering of crops and - MAN O MAN - God is just not down with that. I assume God isn’t a vegan. You better bring the right offering !! The perception of God here by the author is rather fickle. Cain gets all butthurt and God reminds him that sin can consume him. This is about the only part of the chapter that makes any sense. This word “sin” has been used as a weapon to condemn for so long that it’s hard for me to hear it and not cringe. I think sin is just whenever we hurt us. “Us” being humanity; I really think it’s that simple. I think we all know what this is, regardless of what we believe. God’s reminder to Cain here is a reminder to all of us. Well then Cain just up and kills Abel, right after this reminder fro...

Genesis 3: (During this Bible journey, I'll mostly be using the NIV, though sometimes I'll reference the ESV or the Message) Our poem continues.  Interestingly, the serpent is said to be more crafty than any of the other wild animals that God had made.  I wonder why God decided to make the serpent so crafty, and to place said serpent in the garden.  Hmm.  Also, this serpent is speaking human language, strongly suggesting this story is allegorical. The woman explains to the serpent which tree not to eat from and why, and the serpent convinces her that she will not die and will be like God if she eats it.  What does "knowing good and evil" even mean?  Important to note that we are not told what death or "being like God" means.  This is left up to interpretation. Some folks think this story is literal.  If so, it says that their eyes were opened when they ate of this fruit.  Were the man and woman blind before?  They also first real...

So I'm actually going to go through the entire Bible, one chapter at a time, one day at a time. My hope is that we can read it together as though we've never read it. There are 1189 chapters in the Bible, so this is going to go on until mid-July 2021. I understand that sounds crazy, but I'm committed to it. Please join me on this Facebook journey. As always, comments are greatly appreciated, but be kind. Genesis 2: An interesting thing to note here when the text refers to God as "he." The verb used for creating here is "bara" which is masculine, thus implying "he." Given that this was a highly patriarchal society, it makes sense that a masculine verb was used; but I don't believe this at all suggests "God" is male. This chapter opens with God resting after all the creating going on. It seems rather odd that God would need to rest, so this appears pretty poetic to me. Though I do believe its a reminder to us that rest is imp...

I’ve received some criticism because I haven’t read the Bible cover to cover. Okay then. Lets go! My take on Genesis 1: Let’s try to read this as a first time viewer. It seems pretty obvious that this is some type of story or poem. God is introduced right away with no explanation. The original text is in Hebrew. The word for create is “bara.” Interestingly, this word is only used together with God, suggesting that only God can “bara” or create. This reminds me of graduate school when I wrote the word “create” in a scientific context. My advisor reminded me that we don’t create. Scholars have suggested that this word ”bara” doesn’t mean “create” in a modern sense, but is more of a differentiation and allocation of roles. The word for God here is Elohim. This is a story about the beginning. It doesn’t tell us much, but seems to reiterate that it is all “good.” There’s a discussion of days, but written thousands of years ago, there’s nothing to suggest that these are 24 hour da...