A 1189 Day Journey Through the Bible

I am writing from my hotel in San Diego, CA. 2 Kings 12: This starts with Joash as king, and ends with him dying and his son Amaziah taking over. But it seems that the main idea is this:  The money that comes into the temple needs to be used to further the purpose of the temple. Let's think about that.

I am writing from my hotel in San Diego, CA. 2 Kings 11: So Ahaziah mother's Athaliah was pretty upset when she saw that her son was dead.  We are told she began by massacring the entire royal family.  Then there was a ceremony where a king was crowned.  Athaliah thought it would be a good idea to shout "treason!" at the king, so she was executed.  I'm not sure how she thought that was going to end.

I am writing from my hotel in Spokane, WA. 2 Kings 10: So basically Jehu has a shit ton of Ahab's family slaughtered.  At one point, he has cronies chop off seventy heads and bring them in baskets.  He reminds us that he's fulfilling a prophecy of God, set forth by Elijah. Jehu continues his mean streak by tricking all of the servants in Baal to comes to a gathering, and then having them all killed.  And he destroyed their temple. God was actually pleased with Jehu and his genocide.  God was a little upset about Jehu possibly worshipping a golden calf.  Genocide okay.  Golden calf not okay.  Priorities. This chapter ends with information that Jehu died, and his son Jehoahaz became king next.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Kings 9: Elisha tells a prophet to tell Jehu that he will be anointed king of Israel, so he was.  Also, he said that Jezebel would be eaten by dogs.  And to destroy all of Ahab's house. Jehu is off to a quick start, taking no time at all to kill Joram and Ahaziah. So Jehu goes to see Jezebel, and he tells some eunuchs to throw her out the window.  So they do and she splatters on the ground.  Then some dogs ate her.  Vivid.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Kings 8: Ok so maybe the famine isn't over? A lady leaves during the famine, and then comes back seven years later and they give her all her land back, which is a nice gesture.  Her son was the boy who Elisha had healed. Hazael asked Elisha what was going to happen to Ben-Hadad (king of Aram) since he is ill.  Well Elisha said Ben-Hadad would die, but was very devastated at the fact Hazael would take over.  Apparently Elisha knows Hazael is gonna do a bunch of bad stuff.  Well the next day, Hazael murders Ben-Hadad.  Not a great start.  But Hazael took over as king of Aram. Jehoram died and Ahaziah took over as king of Judah.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Kings 7: Elisha says that the famine will be over the next day, but one of the king's officials doesn't really believe him.  Elisha reminds this dude that he will soon find out, but won't get to eat any of it.  Elisha isn't the most gracious. So there's four dudes with leprosy deciding what to do.  Stay on the outside of the city and they die, go into the city where the famine is and die, or go over to the camp of the Arameans and surrender, where they could also possibly die.  They decided to surrender, but it turns out that no one was there.  They were able to eat and drink and loot around a bit.  There's a moment where they feel bad for keeping what they've found to themselves, so they went and reported it to the royal palace.  And we don't hear anything else about these men. The king sends people out and they plundered the camp.  The guy that Elisha told wouldn't eat; well people trampled h...

I am writing from my hotel in Walnut Creek, CA. 2 Kings 6: Elisha's tricks continue, and a woman eats her child. This chapter opens with a man who drops his ax in the water, and Elisha makes it float. The king of Aram (Ben-Hadad) was at war with Israel, and then found out that Elisha can tell the king of Israel anything that the king of Aram does.  Remember, he's a prophet.  So the king of Aram tries to capture Elisha by sending a bunch of people after him. This doesn't work, as Elisha blinds them all.  He then leads them to Samaria and restores their sight; and a feast is prepared for them.  They no longer bothered Israel. Awhile later, there was a famine in Samaria and a woman ate her own son.  The king of Israel wants to blame this on Elisha, but it is not yet clear why.

I am writing from my hotel in Walnut Creek, CA. 2 Kings 5: This one starts out with an army commander named Naaman who has leprosy.  Traditionally, leprosy is depicted as very debilitating like your arms are falling off or something.  The Hebrew word for leprosy was used for various diseases affecting the skin.  He could've had a rash for all we know. Naaman ends up running into the modern day miracle worker, Elisha, who tells him to wash himself seven times in the Jordan so he can be healed.  And wouldn't ya know it, he did and he was fine.  Elisha dropping miracles all over the place. Because of this, Naaman pledges his allegiance to the god of Israel.  God battles were pretty fierce back in the day. Then a dude named Gehazi tried to get some cash money from Naaman, and Naaman obliged.  Elisha heard about this and gave him leprosy.  Even though Elisha drops miracles, he still does some pretty dumpy stuff.

I am writing from my hotel in Berkeley, CA. 2 Kings 4: This chapter opens with a very fascinating story. A widow has debts, and a creditor is coming to take her boys as slaves; but all she has is a small jar of olive oil.  Elisha tells her to ask her neighbors for empty jars, as many as she can find.  Once she does this, she's supposed to fill the jars.  How do you fill multiple jars with olive oil, when you only have a little? She filled every jar, and was able to sell the jars to pay the debt; and had more leftover. Elisha then comes upon a woman who told him to stay for a meal when he was in town.  Her and her husband were nice to him, and he was grateful.  He asks what he can do for them, so he waves a magic wand and she was pregnant a gave birth to a boy the next year.  She really wanted a child. Anyway, this kid dies but Elisha brings him back to life. Next, there's a famine so Elisha makes a pot of stew for some prophets.  They wer...

I am writing from my hotel in Berkeley, CA 2 Kings 3: So the kings of Israel (Joram), Judah (Jehoshaphat), and Edom (no name?) set off on a journey.  They've banded together because the king of Moab (Mesha) has rebelled against Israel. They ran out out of water after a week, wondering if God had set them up. So they go and consult Elisha. Elisha didn't seem to be interested, but asked for a harpist.  I guess he's really into the harp. Now that the harp is plucking, he tells them that the valley will fill with water without rain, and that they'll defeat Mesha. They woke up the next day and there was water everywhere, but it looked like blood to the Moabites.  Then the kings slaughtered all the Moabites. This chapter is polished off with the kings taking Mesha's first born son and sacrificing him.

I am writing from my hotel in Berkeley, CA. 2 Kings 2: This chapter gets confusing because the names 'Elijah' and 'Elisha' are pretty similar.  Also this chapter ends with the BEST STORY EVER. So it appears Elijah is about to make an exit.  At one point, he slaps the water with his cloak and it divides, so they can walk through on dry ground.  I assume this is some type of literary device, as it was used previously with Moses. Elijah asks Elisha what he can do for him, and he asks for a "double portion" of his spirit.  We are not told what this means.  They were walking together, and suddenly a chariot of fire appeared.  There were horses and then Elijah was "taken up to heaven in a whirlwind."  Remember that heaven was "up," since no one knew what was up.  I can only assume this is metaphorical, but what on earth does it mean?  Elisha grabs the cloak and performs the water smack trick and it worked. Then some people want to go ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 2 Kings 1: A new book! Ahaziah fell off his roof and hurt himself, wondering if he would be okay.  God told Elijah to tell him that he was as good as dead.  So he told some messengers, who relayed the news to Ahaziah. Ahaziah sent fifty men to Elijah, but to prove that he was a holy man, a lightning bolt struck the fifty men and roasted them all.  Ahaziah sent another fifty, roasted again.  A third fifty were sent, but this time they were begging not to ride the lightning. Elijah reminded them that Ahaziah was going to die, and then he died.  He didn't have a son, so his brother Joram took over as king.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 22: We open with three years of peace! Then the king of Israel (Ahab) wants to know if he should attack Ramoth Gilead.  He asks Jehoshaphat for help, but suggests to ask God for guidance.  So the king asks the prophets, and they tell him to go for it.  Well, he asks another prophet named Micaiah (who he doesn't like) and this dude basically tells him that the other prophets are lying, and he will get smoked if he attacks. They threw Micaiah in jail and the king went into battle wearing a disguise. Well wouldn't you know, the king had a chink in his armor and an arrow found it perfectly.  He died later that day.  Probably should've listened to Micaiah. Jehoshaphat was king of Judah during this time.  He died, and his son Jehoram took over. The new king of Israel was Ahab's son, Ahaziah.  Apparently he was pretty terrible.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 21: Fitting that we talk about Jezebel on Valentine's Day. So Ahab wanted a vineyard from Naboth, but Naboth didn't want to sell him.  So Jezebel wrote some letters that basically got everyone real pissed at Naboth, and he got stoned to death. When Ahab heard about this, he went and claimed the vineyard for his own.  Classy. So God tells Elijah to tell Ahab that God is less than pleased. Ahab changed his ways, so God decided not to punish him; but decided to punish his son instead.  Hmm.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 20: Alright so we have a long battle that begins with Ben-Hadad attacking Samaria.  This kinda goes round and round for awhile, ending in him being captured by Ahab.  Well, Ahab ends up letting him go. Then a prophet tells a guy to hit him, but he doesn't.  So the prophet told him he would get killed by a lion, and he does.  Interesting. This prophet guy is playing a bit of games here.  He tells another man to hit him so he does, and he gets wounded and puts on a headband.  Then condemns Ahab, who ends up finding him on the side of the road.

I am writing from my hotel in Hermosa Beach, CA. 1 Kings 19: Ahab tells Jezebel everything that Elijah did, including how he killed some prophets.  Elijah takes off and is pretty bummed out, and sounds suicidal.  An angel comes to him and tells him to get up.  He's reached the end of himself and God has met him there. Elijah then finds Elisha to come with him.  Elisha gets rid of everything he has, basically setting his past on fire, heading towards an unknown future.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 18: Okay so the famine is still going on.  Obadiah hid some prophets in a cave and fed them.  Elijah bumped into him and he became a bit frightened, thinking he came there to kill Ahab.  The context clues here are nonexistent.  Some of this is damn near impossible to follow. Ahab thinks that Elijah is a troublemaker, but Elijah convinces him otherwise.  He also reminds Ahab that it is he and his father that have caused problems. The rest of the chapter appears to be a very long ritualistic animal sacrifice.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 17: A guy named Elijah tells Ahab that there will be a long drought.  But God told Elijah to leave and go to a brook near a ravine where he could drink; and there will be ravens who will feed him. Then the brook dried up and God told him to go to a town and get fed by a widow.  So he goes there and asks this widow from some water and bread.  She only had ingredients, so he asked her to make a family meal.  He also told her that her ingredients wouldn't run out until it rained again, and they didn't. Her son got sick and stopped breathing, and she asked Elijah if he came there to kill her son.  He took the son in his arms and prayed for him, and he was brought back to life.  She said that now she knows he's a man of God. What does healing really mean?  Hmm.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 16: God tells a prophet named Jehu that Baasha sucks and when his people die they'll be eaten by dogs. Baasha died then his son Elah took over. Elah had an official named Zimri who killed him one day when he was drunk.  Zimri became king and killed off Baasha's family. The Israelites heard about this and proclaimed a guy named Omri as king of Israel.  I get why the name is Kings. Zimri set a palace on fire and then died because he had some sins that God didn't like.  I don't know if this infers he was killed by God?  Who knows. Anyway, half of Israel supported Omri and the other half supported a guy named Tibni.  Have we heard of this guy yet? It says Omri's followers were stronger, so Tibni died.  It kinda sounds like they killed him but it doesn't say. As with most of these dudes, Omri "did evil in the eyes of the Lord, " and "sinned more than all of those before him."  Wha...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 15: So, Abijah is king, but apparently he sucked too.  He got into a war with Jeroboam, died, and his son Asa succeeded him. Asa listened to God, like David did, so he was written about favorably. He did some stuff with silver and gold, but then he got diseased feet and died. His son Jehoshaphat succeeded him as king. Remember that Jeroboam's son Nadab is king of Israel, but he sucks. Ahijah had a son named Baasha who killed Nadab.  Once Baasha succeeded, he killed all of Jeroboam's family.  These people are straight savages. There were wars between Asa and Baasha, but they aren't documented. This chapter closes with a reminder that Baasha was evil.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 14: Jeroboam's son is ill, so he asks his wife to go ask a prophet what is going to happen.  Well, God lets the prophet know that this woman is heading his way.  God (through the prophet) doesn't deliver the best news.  Basically, the boy is going to die and Jeroboam is going to be ruined (but very descriptive), since he didn't listen to God.  This was alluded to previously, but now a bit more direct. Jeroboam reigned for twenty two years, then was succeeded by his son Nadab. Meanwhile, the son of Solomon (Rehoboam) was king in Judah.  The land of Judah was garbage too, as they pissed off God quite frequently. Rehoboam eventually died and was succeeded by his son Abijah.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 13: So a man of God from Judah came to Bethel where Jeroboam was and they talked about an altar and Jeroboam's hand shriveled up.  Jeroboam told the man of God to fix his hand so he did, and then he invited him to eat.  The man of God said he can't eat or drink or go back the way he came, so he moved on. The man of God meets a prophet who also invites him to eat and drink, and he responds with the same spiel.  The prophet lies to the man of God and says that he's a prophet and God said it was okay.  Well this wasn't okay and God told the prophet that the man of God was as good as dead, since God said the man of God couldn't do this.  Following?  Good. Well the man of God heads out and gets mauled by a lion and dies.  The prophet retrieved the body and buried him, and said he wanted to be buried beside him. I don't understand why the prophet dumped on the man of God, and then acted like he care...

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 12: So Rehoboam is king now.  The Israelites come to him and ask if he will go easier on them, since his pops wasn’t.  He consults elders and they tell him to go easy on the people, but his college frat buddies tell him that he should be an asshole.  So he decides to be an asshole.  I don’t see this going well for him. He sent out his guy who is in charge of forced labor, but the Israelites stoned him to death, exercising their frustration with Rehoboam.  In their rebellion, they decided to make Jeroboam their king.  I’m not sure if this is official.  Only the tribe of Judah was loyal to Rehoboam. Rehoboam was about to go to war against Israel, but God told someone to tell him not to, so he didn’t. Then some festivals. 

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 11: Well Solomon had a ton of wives.  He had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines.  Some of them were foreign and got Solomon interested in foreign gods.  The main God was pissed about this and told Solomon that the kingdom would be taken from him, but not in his lifetime. Then God raises up some adversaries against Solomon. A dude named Jeroboam rebelled against Solomon.  Solomon tried to kill him but he fled. Solomon reigned for forty years and then died.  His son Rehoboam takes over as king.  I assume the kingdom is going to be stripped away from him soon.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 10: The Queen of Sheba visited Solomon and was really impressed.  She gave him some stuff and he gave her some stuff and she left. Then Solomon made some fancy stuff and basically just had a lot of stuff.  I get it, he was wealthy.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 9: God responds to Solomon by telling him that will be well as long as he continues to play by the rules.  But if not, then the shit goes down. Then Solomon gave away some towns.  He also made some people into salves.  Three times per year he did burnt offerings.  Oh and he made some ships.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. 1 Kings 8: The ark comes up the temple for Solomon and so many animals get sacrificed, apparently so many that they couldn’t even be counted.  What a party! A bunch of people were there and Solomon blessed them.  Then Solomon does a recap of some God highlights, and some of David’s greatest hits. Then Solomon does a dedication prayer for the ark in the temple.  This is just a reminder than God has his back and for God to help out whenever Solomon is in a rough patch.  The prayers up to this point are all rather similar. One part stands out: ““As for the foreigner who does not belong to your people Israel but has come from a distant land because of your name— for they will hear of your great name and your mighty hand and your outstretched arm—when they come and pray toward this temple, then hear from heaven, your dwelling place. Do whatever the foreigner asks of you, so that all the peoples of the earth...