January 25, 2019 - Day 292 - 1 Kings 1

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA.

1 Kings 1:

David was old and always cold, so they got a virgin to keep him warm and take care of him, but they didn't have sex.  I guess cause he was really old?

Then a guy named Adonijah declared himself king and sacrificed a bunch of livestock.  He had a party too.

Well they tell David and he says that Solomon should be king.  So these other people declare Solomon king and have a party for him too.

Adonijah was afraid of Solomon so he bowed down to him.  I guess there will be no rivalry here.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

May 8, 2018 - Day 30 - Genesis 30

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Genesis 30: So Rachel ain't happy yo; as you could imagine.  She ain't having any kids (and that is how you measure a woman's value), but sis is. She gets all mad and tells Jacob to give her children or she will die.  Jacob gets a bit defensive.  Rachel presents a servant for Jacob that he can impregnate on her behalf.  (not really the same thing ya know, but I guess this can fly) This servant (Bilhah) gets pregnant (and gets to be a wife in the process -- does 'wife' even mean anything??) and gives birth to a son.  Rachel is legit happy about this.  Imagine this happening in modern times lol. So this new dude is named Dan. This servant is fertile yo, and blasts out another one; this dude is Zapthali.  Rachel is going on about how she had a struggle with her sister, and actually Zaphtahil means 'my struggle.' This reminds me of Pulp Fiction.  Bruce Willis' character says, "I'm an American, ...
Read more

March 3, 2019 - Day 329 - 2 Kings 16

I am writing from my hotel in Graz, Austria. 2 Kings 16: This chapter is about Ahaz, the king of Judah at this time. He did a bunch of dumb stuff, including offering his son as sacrifice, which God frowned upon. At one point, Aram and Israel tried to fight against Ahaz, but weren't able to overtake him. Ahaz did reach out to the king of Assyria for help, and complied by taking Damascus. Ahaz saw an altar he really liked in Damascus, so he had one built.  Then he died, and his son Hezekiah took over. And that is about it for this chapter.
Read more

October 1, 2018 - Day 176 - Deuteronomy 23

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Deuteronomy 23: We've made it, friends.  The wet dream chapter. This has a rough start for the castrated.  No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the Lord.  Well that doesn't seem fair lol. Also, no foreign relatives if you want to enter assembly of the Lord.  Gotta keep that incest going!! But if you're third generation or more Egyptian then its okay. OH HERE'S THE FUN PART. If you have a wet dream then you have to stay outside of the camp until evening; and you better wash yourself before you come back. And when you poop outside, you have to dig a hole and cover that shit up! We close with a few random laws. If a slave comes to you, don't return them to their master, let them live wherever they want and don't oppress them. Don't pay any vows to God with prostitution money. Don't charge a fellow Israelite interest, but you can charge a foreigner i...
Read more