A 1189 Day Journey Through the Bible

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Ruth 4: Today is the last day of November and the last day of the very short book of Ruth. This starts with Boaz buying some land and acquiring Ruth as a wife.  Part of the motivation here was " in order to maintain the name of the dead with his property, so that his name will not disappear from among his family or from his hometown." A patriarchal move it seems? Anyway. Boaz and Ruth have  a son named Obed, who is the grandfather of David. Stay tuned as we start 1 Samuel tomorrow.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. Ruth 3: Well this bizarre tale of Ruth continues.  Her mother in law (Naomi) convinces her to wait until Boaz is drunk, follow him to bed, and tell him she’s ready for marriage.  Well she does this and he’s flattered, and even though they are closely related, Boaz informs Ruth of an even closer related suitor.  And if this unnamed man won’t marry her, then Boaz will.  This is weird. 

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Ruth 2: So Ruth is working in a field and meets a dude named Boaz. Boaz is a really nice guy who cares about his employees, and takes kindly to Ruth.  He even makes sure that no dudes will mess with her. And basically this chapter is about how Boaz is nice and Ruth is grateful.

I am writing from my hotel in Portland, OR. Ruth 1: A new book! There's famine at this time.  A brief lineage is described, but all you really need to know is that there's two women:  Ruth and Naomi.  Naomi's men in her life died, and was left with her daughters-in-law, namely Ruth. Naomi is devastated and tries to convince them to go back, since she doesn't have men for them to marry.  The one daughter-in-law leaves, but Ruth is determined to stay with her, no matter what. They go back to Bethlehem together.

I am writing from my hotel in Portland, OR. Judges 21: And we've come to the last chapter that is the enigmatic book of Judges. This one opens with the Israelite men vowing not to allow their daughters to marry a Benjaminite. This makes Israelites sad, so they need a plan to get some wives for the Benjaminites.  They discover that no one from the tribe of Jabesh Gilead assembled before the Lord at Mizpah (whatever this means).  Because of this, they killed everyone except the virgins.  Then they give the virgins to the Benjaminites.  There weren't quite enough virgins to go around, so the Benjaminites went to a festival and kidnapped some ladies. This chapter and book closes with a reminder that Israel had no king at this time and people did whatever they wanted. You don't say.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. Judges 20: This chapter is SO LONG.  All it does is describe the fight between the Israelites and the Benjaminites.  To great detail.  The Israelites struggle for a few days, then God helps them kill over 25,000 Benjaminites. There is a part here that stood out to me, starting with a recap of the last chapter: “The Levite, the husband of the murdered woman, spoke: “My concubine and I came to spend the night at Gibeah, a Benjaminite town. That night the men of Gibeah came after me. They surrounded the house, intending to kill me. They gang-raped my concubine and she died. So I took my concubine, cut up her body, and sent her piece by piece—twelve pieces!—to every part of Israel’s inheritance. This vile and outrageous crime was committed in Israel! So, Israelites, make up your minds. Decide on some action!” All the people were at once and as one person on their feet. “None of us will go home; not a single one of ...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Judges 19: This one opens similar to Judges 18, reminding us that Israel had no king at this time. Well this one is very weird.  There's a Levite man and he takes a concubine.  She goes back to her parents' house and the Levite man tries to convince her to go with him.  He parties with her dad for a few days and then she goes with the Levite man. As they were strolling across the land, they were befriended by an old man in Gibeah who invited them to stay the night.  They were all hanging out, then some dudes from the town came to the house and wanted to have sex with the Levite man.  The old man said no way, and offered up his virgin daughter.  These men weren't interested so the Levite man offered up his concubine.  These dudes raped her and abused her, so she went back to the house and laid down on the front doorstep and died. The Levite man took her back home and cut her up in twelve pieces and s...

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Judges 18: This chapter is about the Danites, and Micah, and a priest.  And some idols and some gods.  Some of this is so poorly written.  What even happened here?

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. Judges 17: So this dude named Micah steals some silver from his mom and then gives it back. Then Micah hired a Levite as his priest.  That’s about it. 

I am writing from my hotel in Vancouver, BC. Judges 16: This chapter is about Samson.  So basically three times he gets tied up by this woman but he always gets out. Then he goes to jail later and they cut off his hair and then they gouge his eyes out. In his last act, we are told that Samson dies. 

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. Judges 15: Well Samson is a maniac. He goes after his wife, which he had given away in the last chapter.  Her dad says it’s obvious Samson doesn’t like, and suggests he take her younger, more beautiful sister. Samson didn’t take too kindly to this suggestion, so he caught a bunch of jackals and tied their tails together and tied some torches to them.  These jackals roasted a bunch of stuff and it really pissed the Philistines, so they burned her and her dad to death.  Samson tipped everyone apart.  Like ripped their arms off and stuff. Then he pretended to get tied up to draw the Philistines in, and when they got there, he took the jaw of a donkey and killed them all.  Then he got thirsty and drank some water from a rock. Oh and he judged for twenty years. 

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Judges 14: So we've skipped a lot of Samson's life and he already found a woman he wants.  He sees a Philistine woman in Timnah then tells his parents to get her for him.  Because she's property.  Kinda like asking your parents for a car. They are a bit bummed that he's looking to marry someone in his own family. Samson heads to Tinmah with his parents to go get his property and a young lion came upon them.  Because the spirit of the Lord (?) was with him, he tore the lion apart with his bare hands.  Impressive.  He didn't tell his parents about the lion.  Then he went and talk to the girl he's got his eyes on. So he goes back to marry her, then sees the lion's carcass with some bees and honey around.  He scoops up some honey and eats it, and then gives some to his parents and they eat it too, but he didn't tell them it came from the lion.  What is going on lol. The ending is very weird....

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Judges 13: Per usual, the Israelites reverted back to their evil ways and God gave them back to the Philistines for forty years. This chapter is a bit interesting. An angel comes to Manoah's wife (she is never named) who is unable to have children.  The angel tells her she's going to have a child.  The angel also says she can't eat anything unclean or have any wine.  Looking out for birth defects I assume. Manoah asks the angel "his" name, and "he" says it is beyond understand.  I find this very intriguing. Manoah and his wife do a burnt offering and the angel disappears in the flames. And then the woman had a boy named Samson.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. Judges 12: Okay.  So.  Jephthah gets his boys together and goes to fight Ephraim.  They make fun of his crew.  Then an Ephraimite can’t pronounce a word right so they kill him and forty two thousand other Ephraimites.  Stay in school kids.  The Jephthah dies after judging Israel for awhile.  Then a few other dudes judge for awhile but their stories don’t appear to be as noteworthy. 

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA Judges 11: This chapter opens with Jephthah being heralded as a warrior.  His dad was Gilead and his mom was a prostitute.  I imagine lots of people had prostitute moms in these times.  His brother's from another mother pushed him out when they got older since he had the prosty mom. Well the elders of Gilead come back after him once they are in trouble fighting the Ammonites.  Now you need him, convenient.  They say he can lead them if he comes and helps them out. The Israelites tried to cross through some land, the Amorites weren't having it, but God helped the Israelites kick some ass. Then God helped Jephthah slaughter the Ammonites. When Jephthah got home, his daughter was excited to see him.  Then she went into the hills with her girlfriends for two months, grieving over the fact she would never marry.  Though it doesn't say why she will never marry. This chapter ends with a reminder of the ne...

I am writing from 23A on Alaska flight 51 from Chicago to Seattle. Judges 10: Okay so Abimelech died in the last chapter.  I got so confused by the end that I totally missed it.  A woman dropped a rock on his head and crushed his skull.  He made his armor bearer stab him so they couldn’t say a woman killed him.  Well, a woman killed him. Tola came next after Abimelech.  He rose to save Israel, judged for twenty three years and then died.  Not much on this guy. Jair was next for leadership.  He was in office for twenty two years and had THIRTY sons.  Slow down there bud.  Once he died, the Israelites went evil again and started worshipping those other gods again. Have you noticed how the Israelites just keep reverting back to doing dumb shit?  They cannot help themselves.  Sounds like humans today, doesn’t it? God got super pissed and sold them back into slavery for eighteen years.  Then they cried o...

I am writing from my hotel in Chicago, IL. Judges 9: This opens with Abimelech killing 69 of his brothers with one rock. Okay. Then we’ve got some talking trees. Oh and tumbleweed has a speaking part. And we’ve got some pissed off people. Then we got some ethnic superiority, which is certainly sad.  Honestly, I’m having a difficult time digesting Judges.  I have no idea what is going on.

I am writing from my hotel in Chicago, IL. Judges 8: Alright so basically we’ve got Gideon vs. Midian here.  Gideon is the good guy and does a lot.  I think this is why he put bibles in hotels.

I am writing from my hotel in Chicago, IL. Judges 7: Okay this one actually confused me a bit.  Not all of this stuff is well written. Basically, Gideon is going after Midian.  But first, Gideon’s army is dwindled twice, finally down to three hundred.  The reason is because God said the army was too big.  The army needs to be small enough so God can take credit.  Sounds petty but it’s in the Bible lol. BUT.  That’s if we read it literally. Think about it. This chapter closes with the taking of some heads.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Judges 6: And we open right up with the Israelites doing more evil.  These dudes are wild. So God made them slaves for seven years to the Midianites, and everything they did sucked.  Nothing worked.  They had fallen on black days for sure. As we've seen before, God sends a prophet to remind them whats up. Then an angel from God appears to Gideon who is by a tree, and tells him that the Lord is with him. Gideon then responds with a very honest response: "If the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us?" Well that is a great question. God tells him to go (save the Israelites from Midian) with the strength he has.  Gideon says that his clan is the weakest and he is the least.  God tells him to go anyway, that God will be with him and that God will eliminate all of the Midianites, leaving no survivors. Gideon does some standard sacrifice stuff. God tells Gideon not to be afraid. Then some more...

I am writing from downtown Los Angeles, CA. Judges 5: This chapter is only a song about Deborah and Barak.  General themes we’ve seen so far.  Then the land was quiet for forty years.

I am writing from downtown Los Angeles, CA. Judges 4: As we’ve seen, this opens with the Israelites continuing on with their evil.  They cried out because God put them in nine years of slavery since they suck. So we’ve got a lady named Deborah.  This is a pretty prominent role for a woman during this time; she’s a judge who has been risen up, and she was a prophet. She tells some dudes to prepare for battle; but Barak says he will only go if she goes.  She obliges but says there’s no glory for him with his attitude like that. Then the story closes with a long way of killing someone by driving a tent peg through their temple. P

I am writing from downtown Los Angeles, CA. Judges 3: This one opens with God testing some people who weren’t battle tested.  Then they married their own daughters and had their daughters marry their sons.  Interesting family tree. God was mad again but not about the incest, they were worshipping other gods again!  Those turds!  So God sold them to a king and they were slaves for eight years. They cried out to God so he raised up a savior to help them.  He killed the king and then the land was quiet and then he died.  Not a lot of deets on this gent. The Israelites still didn’t learn and went back to doing some more evil.  You ever just keep doing dumb shit?  Them too.  Well another king made them slaves for fourteen years. So God raised up another savior, this time he was left handed.  He killed this king, which we are told was fat.  And the sword got stuck so he just left it there in the king’s “big belly....

I am writing from my hotel in Las Vegas, NV. Judges 2: This one opens with the angel of the Lord (whatever that is) being real pissed.  The AoL (angel of the Lord) says the people have disobeyed and they wept aloud. Joshua dismissed the Israelites and they went to take possession of their land.  And then we are told again that Joshua died (I suppose a bit of overlap here with the end of Joshua). A generation who didn't know the Lord grew up and God didn't like this at all.  They worshipped other gods which you know is bad news bears for our jealous god, akin to a high school senior.  God made sure all their enemies defeated them. God started to raise up judges who saved the Israelites from the enemies, but they didn't care and just continued to go after those other gods.  As long as the judge lived, the would save them, but then whenever he died they'd go back to their corrupt ways. God is annoyed at this point and says no more people will be driven ...

I am writing from my hotel in Las Vegas, NV. Judges 1: So Joshua is dead now, and the Israelites are wondering who should go to fight against the Canaanites.  God decides that it should be Judah.  Well with God's help, the people of Judah are able to slaughter ten thousand humans.  They actually caught one dude who tried to flee and cut off his thumbs and big toes.  Yes, you read that correctly. Then the people of Judah captured Jerusalem and set that on fire. The men of Judah attacked and killed some more Canaanites in a different area. Then a spy helps them so he lives and they slaughter the rest of the city. The chapter closes with some boring stuff about some of the -ites.

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Joshua 24: Well we've made it, the last chapter of Joshua! Joshua prepares for his final speech and gets the people together.  He reminds them of all the stuff God has done for them.  Which is basically just a summary of the Bible stories (starting with Abraham) up to this point. The people say they want to keep serving God.  Joshua says no because God is jealous and will kill them all if they date other gods.  They reiterate their interest and Joshua says yeah that's fine. Then they put a big rock by a tree to symbolize that they won't date other gods. To close out this chapter, and book, Joseph dies. Judges next!

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Joshua 23: A lot of time goes by.  Joshua is old and God has given the Israelites rest from their enemies.  He calls everyone together and speaks to them. Here are a few of his highlights: - stay alert - stay strong and steady - remember that God fights for you - don't align with these nations that God has destroyed (not so sure about this one, also says not to intermarry, just very ancient ways of thinking) - don't serve other gods or you'll get roasted (this is more of a warning of what will naturally happen when you worship things that will leave you empty, rather than what god will actually do to you) And Joshua is about to die it seems. 

I am writing from my desk in Seattle, WA. Joshua 22: This chapter opens with Joshua summoning some of the -ites and telling them they've done a great job and that they should return home to their promised land.  Keeping in mind to keep doing all that God has commanded, that they've done so well thus far.  Joshua blessed them as they left. Then some of the -ites built an altar, so the Israelites were mad.  They saw this as rebelling against God.  The -ites reassured them it was to be close to God, not as rebelling.  Then everyone was okay.

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. Joshua 21: Still.  Dividing.  Land.   How many chapters have we hammered this home?  Kill people you don’t like, take their land, give it to people that you do like.  That’s essentially what is happening here. This one opens with God giving the Levites some towns. And closes with a reminder that all of God’s promises were fulfilled and no enemies could withstand them. But let’s take back up.  In your life, what should you be stepping into that fear is holding you back?

I am writing from my bed in Seattle, WA. Joshua 20: This chapter is God telling Joshua the same thing that was told to Moses about the cities of refuge, where you can go if you accidentally kill someone.